


the Raw Truth

by 0Hedvig0



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Derek Hale, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, M/M, Maybe HAppy ending, Oblivious, Post Season 4, Self-Hatred, Slow Build Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-12 01:12:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3338510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0Hedvig0/pseuds/0Hedvig0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek Hale, an angry broody asshole. A disappointment in most eyes who always thinks about himself and nobody else.<br/>But, what if that´s just a mask?<br/>What if you look underneath it all, what will you find?<br/>Maybe a man who has lost everything. A man who lives with a deadly guilt slowly eating him up from inside. A man who just is lost and can´t find his way back...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. #1 Drowning inside

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction inspired by a video I saw about Derek. It´s my first but I have read so many I lost count! This is my version of what happens after Season 4.  
> And English isn´t my first language, so have that in mind and be patience with me!
> 
> Sorry for any typos!

[](http://s1368.photobucket.com/user/jen_sve89/media/Cover_zps1cfh4mmh.jpg.html)

#1

 

 

He jolted awake gasping for air.

 

The skin is drenched with his own sweat and shines in the reflection from the sun that's is on its way up. With hands in a strong grip in the sheets to hold him grounded his chest heaved up and down in attempts to calm down. He could feel all the sadness whirling around in him, raw and fresh, and it got him angry at himself, he doesn´t deserve to feel sad because everything was his fault... they´re dead because of him!

 

Memory of how the smoke felt in his lungs in the dream got it to sting when he tries to force air down in them. He pushes all the sad feelings aside and just ignore it, letting the guilt build up instead where it belongs while the memory of them is stuck in front of him like ghosts still there to haunt him.

 

 

With angry tears he stares up at the dirty ceiling with strained breath. Stares at the lofts dirty ceiling. His homes dirty ceiling, and just feels empty.

 

The buzzing sound of the alarm that woke him up buzzes again, letting him know they are on his floor now. Almost there.

 

He force himself up until he sits on the end of the bed leaning on his arms against it. With eyes closed he concentrate on getting his feelings blocked, don't wanting any of them to scent them, and just preparing on what they are going to want from him.

 

Like always he can't ignore them. It doesn't matter what it is because he's going to give it to them. They are the only ones he has left, so he just can't say no.

 

In their eyes he's the asshole, the careless guy who only does things for himself. And, it's fine. He's fine with it, he deserves it.

 

The person he sees in the bathroom mirror is no one he knows anymore. A stranger looking back at him. He look away and splash some water to cool his face, to wash away the tears that has fallen from his dream.

 

Wash away the proof that he does have feelings.

 

The sound of the lofts door push open reach his ears and he meets the sad eyes in the mirror one last time before he goes to put on some clothes.

 

This specific day is more heavy than usual. Standing and looking down at his clothes he lay down on the bed, he just doesn't care enough to put them on, care enough to put on a display. Instead he throws them away on the floor and puts on his old sweats he usual wears when he's alone.

 

"Yo, Derrio!" Stiles voice echoes through the almost empty place "Get your furry ass down here!"

 

Then everyone start talking to each other and the silence is no more existing.

 

He sighs and rubs his face, feeling tired and drained. Slowly he walks to the bedroom door, giving himself more time to get control over everything inside of him.

 

Last minute he snatch a tank top hanging over a chair and put in on before going through the door.

 

He hears laughter when he walking down stairs so there can't be something bad going on. Relief fills his body when it only must be something simple they want.

 

Slowly he makes his way to the couch and sits down. Rubbing his face and eyes till he sees stars in the blackness, not aware the others gone quite, before looking up.

 

Everyone just stares at him. Seven pair of eyes looking at him filled with something he can't find the energy to figure out what it is.

 

He sighs, leaning backwards against the couch and quietly says "What?" his gaze wandering between them.

 

Stiles gives him another strange look he can't read and surprises him when he continues to be quiet. It is Scott who clears his throat and frowning at him.

 

But really, if you think about it, it _is_ logical that the Alpha is the one first to talk... Ok, Stiles never goes by that rule, but time changes people. New things changes people.

 

After all the stuff they been through, Stiles and Scott are more than brothers now... they are pack.

 

A sound brings him back and he looks at Scott with empty eyes instead of the frowning irritated look. Looking and just waiting.

 

"Uhm" Scott clenches his jaw making it look more uneven "Uhm"

 

When it doesn't come anything more he just sighs and leans against his knees looking at Scott, at everybody and staying an extra second locking eyes with the whiskey brown eyes, before turning back to the Alpha.

 

"Scott? What is it?" he says the same quite soft tone. Empty soft tone.

 

In the corner of his eyes he sees Isaac giving Liam a look who looks back with a different look and shrugs. Jordan mumbles something in Lydia's ear that he doesn't bother to eavesdrop what it was.

 

He know why they all is this way. Why they looking at him like this, but right now he doesn't care. Everything that now has happened gets him to pile up even more emotions on the ones he already had inside of him...

 

From Peter being more psychotic than usual and trying to kill Scott. Only that part gave him such anger he wish he was with him, with Scott, so he could one last time kill the monster, end it all. Not only locking him away.

 

They all seems like to have moved on after these weeks since it happened, but, Peter was his uncle or what was left of him. And It felt like everything was his fault, that everything had started years ago...

 

From that to Braeden, she who now is gone. That the day after everything happened just was gone. Left him only with a note.

 

-Thanks for everything, it was fun! Also thanks for the info about the Dessert Wolf, you knew more than I thought-

 

A note that was like a punch to the stomach.

 

It was fucking fun? Like he was a toy for her to play with. Then using him only to get something she wanted.

 

First Kate...

 

Then Jennifer...

 

And now Braeden...

 

He really was a walking sigh that said 'Use me as you want!' or 'A fucking stupid fuck you easy can fool'. Every time. EVERY time he believes that they want him for him. Not for what he knows or can be used to help with...

 

"Derek?!" Stiles voice gets him back to them and he looks at them again with the same eyes as before. Feeling the same raw feeling as always aching in his chest before it gets pushed away.

 

"Yeah, sorry" he mumbles and puts his hands on his face and sighs before looking at Scott "Was it something you want?"

 

Scott frowned more at that and took a quick look at Stiles before clearing his throat.

 

"Yeah, we just wondering if we could use your loft for my birthday party?"

 

A party... they came here, all of them, to ask him if they could borrow his loft? He didn't even frowned like he otherwise would do at that.

 

Just sighed "Sure" stood and slowly walked to the stairs with the only thought to go back to bed again.

 

"Just 'sure'?" Stiles voice got him to turn around and look at him "Nothing more like, I don't know, a growling frowning face that says 'no way in hell I let anybody have fun in my place'?" he looks at the arms moving around while the teenager talks and not at the warm brown eyes "No assholeries or broody business that gets all of us also depressed?" at that everyone chuckled.

 

Everyone, but him.

 

He just listen at them laughing at him while he got an aching feeling in his heart at the words. Which was true, but they did hurt anyway.

 

He clenched his fist at the pain piercing through and put them in his pockets before someone saw it.

 

"I said sure" he mumbled looking down at his feet and shrugged "what more do you want?" that got them quiet, slowly he raised his eyes and saw them staring at him again.

 

He cleared his throat, already regretting his words, mumbled something he didn't hear himself what it was and quickly walked to the kitchen. It was closer.

 

The cold water helped with his control. Calmed him down enough so they wouldn't notice the feelings that had slipped through the wall he put around to keep his feelings caged.

 

"Do you think something is wrong?"

 

"He is acting strange doesn't you think so?"

 

"Maybe his time of period?"

 

"He talked more than usual, that's the only thing I noticed"

 

"He is Derek, so him acting like this isn't really that strange"

 

Everyone but Scott and Stiles said something in the room he left, and even after everything that has happened. Everything that was said between them. Their words to him. He did care what they thought about him.

 

He also knows that what they had said to him was true. Only the truth.

 

He knows he is broken. That everything is his fault. Without him it wouldn't had happened. They would all be alive now.

 

Mom, dad, his little brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. Peter wouldn't have been who he is today. Erica and Boyd. Aidan, even Allison... and...

 

Laura...

 

All dead because of him, and the guilt ate its way through him every day he got to live with it. Just like it should do, to die would be too easy for him. He needs to suffer.

 

"Hey man, you okay?"

 

The voice got him to jump up from his crouch over the sink and spin around. Two pair of different brown eyes looked at him.

 

"Yeah dude" Stiles looked strangely at him again, quickly he looked away turned back and splashed one last time his face with the cold water.

 

"I'm fine" he mumbled in the towel he used to dry him with and then threw it at the bench looking back at Scott "when are you going to have your party?" he tried to sound casual about them founding him lost in his thoughts but in his ears he sounded as broken as he felt.

 

They both frowned at him but must decide to let this one go because they started to talk about the birthday party with big smiles. Which made him breathe again.

 

According to them it's going to be epic, more epic then the one Danny had with the glow in the dark paint.

 

He just nodded here and there, really not listening. All he wanted right now was to be alone.

 

"Is it okay if I'm at my room or do you want me gone for real?" it sounded harsher then what he meant, he sighed and pinched his nose bridge "I meant, do you mind if I'm in my room when you have your party?" he open his eyes to look at now two very confused teenagers.

 

They looked at each other and it really was like they talked with their eyes. Only Stiles was more showing with his face and flailing, just like when he talked. With words.

 

"Guys" he finally says when they haven't answered him in several minutes, they both turn to him "It's okay, I have some business out of town to take care of. Your birthday is on Friday right?" Scott nods surprised so he goes on "If I go away on Friday over the weekend you can decide which day you want. If you ask nicely maybe Lydia fix a party for you she seems great at it, and there you have it. Problem solved" He nods and walks out from the kitchen leaving them with that don't caring about their chocked faces.

 

Lydia gives him a smile when he passes the room, a smile that gets him confused but he gives a small smile back and moves up to his room.

 

Away from the voices that had begun talking enthusiastic again, completely unaware of the storm inside of him. A storm he push aside as soon as he lays down in the comfortable bed.

 

Now he stares up at the dirty ceiling again with a chest nearly exploding of the feelings he buried deep down. Memories digging itself up again, making small sobs slipping through until tears slowly rolls down that the sheets under him absorbs like nothing.

 

Feelings nobody ever seen, and never going to. Feelings he couldn't keep away on this very day.

 

The day his whole life turned upside down and never could go back. The day he lost all of his safety, comfort and love.

 

The day he got them to be burned alive...

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

Like déjà vu he jolt awake again gasping for air, but this time he can smell blood and hold up his hands in front of him.

 

The dull light shows him he had slept the entire day and makes the blood on his hand from his claws seem darker, almost black. He doesn't bother to go and wash it off his hands, just dried it off on his sweats and lay back down again not feeling any hurry finding something to eat.

 

His eyes felt swollen and his chest still jerked after all that crying. He took a long breath and filled his lungs before blowing it out slowly.

 

Before he changes his mind he gets up to go down to the kitchen. The lack of senses on this specific day isn't surprising, nor is he surprised to walk down to darkness flowing through the rooms.

 

He knew they only stayed for a while, until they had better things to do than to be at his miserable place. And wow, he really sounds like a fucking bitter old man and wants to bitch slap himself.

 

"So fucking pathetic" he mumbles bitterly and shuffles over the floor to the kitchen with a stomach finally wanting some food.

 

But settles with some carrots and a glass of water and slumps down on the couch in the total darkness, with nothing more than the moon shining through his big dirty windows. 

 

A lot of dirty things in this place he thinks looking around to the sound of crunching carrots. It's weird that he doesn't sneeze much, with all the dust everywhere.

 

He stays in the silence until it feels like he's drowning in it and goes to connect his phone to the speakers the others begged him to buy for their movie nights.

 

Of course like always he choose his favorite band and let the music push the silence away. Increase the volume until his ears hurt, just the way he like it. Until his chest vibrate, giving him a false feeling like he isn't empty inside.

 

He drops down on the couch and while laying complete still he sings softly to the lyrics he know so well.

 

"But with nobody in your bed, the nights hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive I won't know anyone"

 

This doesn't feel right. Laying all alone, in the dark, singing that...

 

Oh fucking crap, he must be the saddest fuck in the world! If he wasn't pathetic before he really was it now!

 

Thankfully the song ended and he continued singing softly to the new song, which wasn't as depressing. The loft still had a faint scent of them, and even if they weren't pack he could feel it calm him down. Get him to relax enough to fall into a dreamless sleep...

 

-

 

Three days later, still feeling numb and tired, he started to pack a bag for the weekend. He didn't want to be in the way if the others decided to start early with decorate or whatever they were going to do with the place.

 

That's why he spent all the day yesterday to clean it and empty the fridge. Now it was sparkling clean from floor to ceiling, it was a lot more than he imagined but he couldn´t let them clean all that. And it was a good distraction.

 

He took out the last of his clothes to put in the bag. It was a bag that really was too big for a weekend, but he just couldn't stop packing until every clothing he had was in it. 

 

 

Scott is the closest thing he has as a brother, and, he doesn't want to lose that too. Even if he loose the bond he's going to know he's alive, and that´s enough. The more he thought about it the more he's surer. 

 

He sat down on the bed and looked at the bag, feeling like this is the right thing to do. It can't go on like this, because wherever he goes trouble and disaster follows, and whoever is with him is going to suffer because of him.

He already has written a letter to them all and one just for Scott... and one for Stiles too. 

 

It was hard, even if it was the right thing it was hard. Felt a little bit as if he abandoned them... 

 

Better get going before he thinks too much about it. He stood looked at the clock on his bedside table that showed him it was 7: am, right in time. Then grabbed the bag to throw it over his shoulder, and gave one look at the leather jacket hanging over the chair by the corner. Before he turned away and walked out from the bedroom.

 

 

He looked over the loft and sighed at all the bad memories. At all the pain and death. Then pushed the door open, locked it up and started walking down the stairs one last time.

 

When he left with Cora, he knew he was coming back. Then it felt like he needed to be with Scott, to teach him about everything he can.

 

Now Scott has proven to be a good Alpha that had people around him to be by his side. Stiles. To support him and, and they just didn't need him anymore. It was okay, he was fine with it, with all of it.

 

It was time for him to move on, before he causes more damage.


	2. #2 Creeping Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone here you get the second chapter! Hope you enjoyed it so far!  
> And like before, sorry for any typos

#2

 

The big black car came to view when he opened the door. The car he bought because he thought it was the responsible thing to do. If he knew before how much they would tease him he never would have bought the stupid thing. Just stuck with Laura´s Camaro and not have it locked away in a storage. 

A strong cold wind hit him and he closed his eyes and just breathed in the fresh air he haven't had in several days. It’s strange how you don’t know how much you will miss something before it’s gone, or doesn’t realize it until you get it back… 

“Already leaving?” the voice startled him, he breathed slowly to get his heart quick pace in control and turned around to look into the whiskey brown eyes, before give a nod.

“Stiles” he mumbled, it´s stupid really, but this made a part of him happy. That he got to see someone important before he went. Gave him a false feeling to have a…

Derek shook his head at what he was thinking and looked at the guy in front of him. A guy he seen grow from a scrawny funny kid, to a young man that still is funny and awkward, but in a fond way and now also is so much more.

Stiles has really grown on him, and yeah, Derek likes him. More than he will admit. One more reason to just get going. One more reason to never come back.

“That’s a lot of clothes you have there big guy” Stiles nods at the bag and Derek gazed down at it in his hand and hums before throwing it in the backseat.

Stiles follows his movements fidgeting with his car keys his body nearly shaking with nerves, held his gaze at where Derek put the bag, before meeting his eyes.

“Yeah” Derek breathes out and clears his throat “You never know when you going to need an extra pair of pants” and closes the door before shoving his hands in the jeans pockets and looking carefully at him.

Stiles gives him a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and something is shoving in the brown eyes. Something that gives Derek a strange lump in the stomach.

“My, eh, my dad“ Stiles drags a hand over his neck and then mimic Derek by shoving both hands in his pockets “He asked me this morning how, eh, how, if you were alright…”

Surprised he raised his brows at that “Uhm, I’m fine?” he mumbled confused which made Stiles chuckle.

“Yeah, I would believe you more if you didn’t have that question mark at the end” then Stiles got quite again leaving a deadly silent between them. Kind of awkward.

But to have Stiles like this, quiet and still. It really made him nervous. Stiles who otherwise was everywhere with his sarcastic inputs and never could shut his mouth, that Stiles he knew how to handle and talk back to…

He followed the movement when Stiles began biting on his lip and it seemed that he wanted to say something.

It wouldn’t be him to ask what was on his mind, it wouldn’t. And this last days after the day with the big D, he found himself having more control over all the emotions again. Found the energy to put everything up to normal. To be the Derek everyone was used to.

“He asked cause he was concerned about you, cause, you know, when we were here last time it was the day of… yeah” Stiles looked down and cleared his throat “and I was a really big fucking asshole to you, and I’m so sorry about that” then the whiskey eyes meet his again.

First, the Sheriff was concerned, about him…

Why?

Then he remember the rest Stiles said and like a habit he just breathes out “It´s fine. I’m fine” and shrugged but saw that the words didn’t help when Stiles continues to worrying his lip.

“You sure?”

“Yeah man, no worry” Derek tried to sound casual, like this wasn’t effecting him at all. When really on the inside every emotion from that day began to crawl up to the surface. 

Just like that, he began to break again.

“Oh, okay, cool” Stiles nodded a little more convinced and began to move, so Derek turned to the car and open the door.

But stopped when he felt his face falter. While calming breaths filled his lungs Derek forced his face to stay with the usual bitter and not show any signs of sadness. When he felt like he had control he started climb into the car.

“You coming back, right?” he freeze at Stiles vulnerable voice and closed his eyes, hard. Wishing that Stiles doesn’t say anything more. Really, he should get in the car and drive. Drive and do what he planned.

“Right?” he heard again and opened his eyes with nothing to say “cause we really need you here” that made his heart pang and it forced him to do everything in his power not to be affected “I know I can be an asshole, and doesn’t think before I speak and that it can be a handful. And I know there isn’t much I can offer for you to stay…”

He really needs to stop talk, was all Derek could think of. Because it was like he didn’t have the control over his body anymore. He thought he did, that he just needed the time he had alone to process, to get over it. 

That was before Stiles opened his fucking mouth.

“Stiles” he whispered without thinking, still with his back against him and arms leaning on the door and roof of the car. His head hanging defeated. Defeated by a teenagers simple words.

Words that he years ago just would have brushed of like nonsense, like a joke.

But Stiles didn’t let him finish “We don’t have much, but, we have each other. And you are one of us, whether you like it or not” he snorted at that and could hear Stiles smile in his voice when he spoke “Yeah you know it Wolfy, once you let me in you never want to go back”

He let out a soft chuckle “You mean, once I let you force your way in I can never get rid of you” 

And heard Stiles scoffed “You wish”

“That don’t even make sense” he said frowning and turned around to see a big goofy smile directed at him that made him smile.

Stiles shrugged held out his hands “I know, not much make sense with me” dropped them down by his side and gave him another big smile. 

He felt his own smile grew bigger at that and fond shook his head looking down. Making the smile go away before looking up and sigh at the teenager.

“You know my wolfy friend” Stiles said soft and took a step forward looking through his eyelashes “We, have come a looong way since the first time we meet”

He nodded “I can agree on that” and watched him take another step forward, closing the space between them.

Following the calming movements from the usual spastic kid, he could see how he has grown in his big hands and those big Bambi eyes. His body has gotten lean muscles making him look healthy and…

“So, you agree on that we´re friends?” Stiles then said slowly getting him out from his thoughts and saw him give him one of those private smiles you didn’t get to see a lot.

He swallowed, his throat suddenly feeling very dry and thought about what he had said.

“Sure, sure we´re friends” he answered while he slowly nodded a little confused where he was going with this. The smile on the guy grew bigger, before he nodded back and took another step closing in so he stood by the back door of the car.

“Me, myself, is never going to leave my friends. Especially, when they need me” Stiles said slowly and leaned against the car with those god damn eyes that shone golden brown in this light, stuck in his.

“Okay” he said confused and waited few seconds before continue “that’s good, but” 

“You just said we were friends Derek” Stiles cut off and looked pointedly at him.

Frowning he nodded “Yeah I know I heard y-ou…” and then he got it.

Stiles nodded with him “Yeah I think you got it my dear dear friend” and clapped a hand on his shoulder but didn’t take it away just squeezed it softly with a little smile.

His heart pounded hard against his chest, feeling like he was pulled in two different directions. To leave them so they could be safe from him, or to stay… because Stiles wants him to…

It felt weird that one kid, one guy, could make him change his mind or begin to change it or changed everything completely or… he´s just not sure what to do anymore.

This very moment he could feel all the emotions inside of him, guilt digging a hole for him to fall into, all the grief that felt like a pressure over his chest slowly making it harder to breath.

He can’t live like this. He´s broken, useless, and they definitely don’t need someone like that to take them down.

The hand squeezed his shoulder making him look at the guy who made him this unsure, but sure, but not really…

Those whiskey eyes and his scent, he now knew by heart, did calm him down enough to breathe again.

“So?” Stiles whispered and he could feel his breath sweep across the neck.

He then noticed they were standing really close. But, he didn’t feel like backing away so he stood still, stuck in those eyes like he was fucking hypnotized.

“So, what?” he said quiet and heard his voice broke at the end that made something happen in Stiles eyes.

“So, are you coming home on Sunday?” his breath hitched at the word and had to swallow, Stiles must have notice because the soft smile he got was something he never seen before.

It made everything worse…

He swallowed again and looked down clearing his throat, before shaking his head.

“I- I, I don’t…” he stopped and just sighed.

He don’t know what to do anymore. Every time when he making a decision he tries to do the right thing, but now? 

He don’t know what that is… 

“Yeah you know Derek” Stiles soft voice made him warm in the cold wind “you´r going to come back home to me, to us, to your pack” and before he knew he was drawn into a hug.

A strong hug that felt…

Good, it felt good. And he just couldn’t resist his instinct to fall into it and quickly held him closer with his arm around the slim waist. He gave in on one more thing and buried his nose in Stiles neck to slowly breathe in his scent.

This was a long time ago, he couldn’t even remember when the last time someone gave him one. It made him realize how much he missed it.

Fingers began stroking through his thick hair, made him think about the last person who did it. Tears started prickling and in panic he forced them away.

He broke the hug before anymore emotions could find its way through his wall. Felt hands holding a firm grip on his shoulders, like he was afraid he would disappeared.

“Don’t make this a good bye” the voice sounded broken and he felt the pull to look into his eyes, to see them glazed by unshed tears.

He had to get going before all of him broke…

He locked eyes with him and laid a hand on the back of his neck, squeezed gently while stroking his thumb on the sensitive skin by his ear and whispered “Bye Stiles” before letting go.

He quickly got in the car, started it and just drove away.

Like the big fucking asshole he was…

He allowed himself to look one last time in the mirror, which gave him the sight of a man he will truly miss.

A sight that made his stomach burn like hell and throat feel rough when he swallowed back his tears.


	3. #3 Worried Pain

#3

 

It was people everywhere, literally everywhere, _every_ where! 

He turned to right “Whops!” a head almost came crashing at his face, turned to left “What the fuuuh-aaah“ he almost got a tongue licked over his face. 

He had to duck, crouch, roll over the floor pushing legs away from him to escape. The only problem was if someone decided to fart, but, it was something he could put up with cause he didn’t get slobber all over him. And he wasn’t a werewolf so the nose wouldn’t melt in excruciating pain of the smell.

Huh, maybe he should try that theory to see what happens, or, is it just cruel? He could do it to someone who had fallen asleep, that way they wouldn’t even noticed and he could escape before anyone saw him. That’s not cruel, right?

He nodded and snatched a beer on the table when he passed, took a swig and found an empty spot in a corner that he almost ran to so nobody could take it from him.

Then he just stood there, with his beer, alone. It wasn’t like he was in the mood to talk so he didn’t mind. 

Weird huh? Yeah…

He just can’t stop thinking about this morning when his dad woke him up before going to work. How he had that concerned face that got Stiles straight out of bed and worried, the soft tone his dad then had when he asked about Derek, how he was doing. Then explained to his confused face that Derek had an anniversary on that Monday and then let him figured out what kind of anniversary.

How his heart broke when he realized that it was the day when they were there to ask about to borrow his loft with no idea that it was a sad day. They all had noticed that it was something off with the grumpy wolf, but had just brushed it off, ignored it. 

He felt so bad about it he didn’t know what to do with himself.

Girls with boys, girls with girls, boys with boys all dancing and dancing. He maybe stood there an hour in his thoughts with a bad heavy feeling in his stomach that wouldn’t disappear if he went to the bathroom. One _hour_ and they didn’t take a break, not even a little breather. Just dance, dance, dance.

“Hey buddy, you remind me of someone!” Scott yelled while he frowning pushed forward through the crowd of teenagers that didn’t even notice him.

What _are_ they on, really? They´re like in their own little world. Like fucking weirdos

“What the fuck man” Scott puffed when he finally could take his brother and give him a big hug.

“Yeah I know” he muffled in his best friends shirt that smelled Scotts after shave and.. yeah Scott.

“So, who did I mean?” Scott smiled at him, and he remembered what he said and felt his stomach begin to hurt even more.

He hadn’t told anyone about what he and Derek had spoken about. And with a whole day thinking while they decorated the feeling he got when Derek left, it had grown bigger and gotten him scared that it was real.

He leaned back, broke the hug, Scott had a big smile waiting for his answer. But when he saw the face his brother had, that this wasn’t funny business, the smile fell and he frowned.

“Stiles?” the voice was filled with worry and those big puppy eyes looked at him and made him feel so bad about what he was going to say.

Cause he know Scott, and without showing much or saying anything to anyone he knew Derek has become one of the most important peoples in his life. More important than his own dad.

Especially after all the crazy stuff that have happened, Derek was there on his own way by Scott´s side. Through his change, kanima, sacrifices… him going all nuts with a spooky fox inside of him, and, and, and…

Yeah… 

But it was like: first him, _Stiles_ , of course that one was easy. Then his mom and the Sheriff, but then there was the grumpy wolf, like a big brother Scott really needed, and wanted.  
When he thinks about it, they really do have a sibling’s love hate relationship. Like big and little brothers have. 

This was going to break him, destroy him…

He built up the courage and looked deep in the brown puppy eyes, sighed and quietly said “It´s Derek, Scott” that got Scotts eyes to widen.

“What Stiles, what about him? Is he in danger? Is he kidnapped again? Cause if he is I am going to hunt down every fucking hunter and fucking creature that has something against him and make sure they can’t hurt him anymore!” With strained breaths Scott looked at him with big very angry eyes “He doesn’t deserve it. And, and after what Braeden did to him I’m going to do some serious damage to the next person who doesn’t treat him well!”

“Woah woah calm down buddy” he had to cut him off because those puppy eyes wasn’t very puppy-like anymore, and with the growling it looked like Scott was going to tare everyone apart who came between him and Derek. 

He took Scotts face between his hands and locked eyes with him.

“Calm down dude, okay?” Scott closed his eyes and when he opened them they were his usual brown again “Okay, he isn’t in danger. At least I don’t think so. So don’t go all Braveheart on me. I’m the dramatic one of us two, you know, so lay back or you will take my-”

“Stiles!” Scott cut him off and looked serious “what is it with Derek?”

He could see the worry in the eyes and he sighed and said with a quiet voice.

“He´s gone. I think he left this morning… for good” then he could see the wheels turning in Scotts head when he thought about what he said, and he just waited. 

 

“He left?...” It came only as a whisper after a minute filled with bad music and teenagers shouting in sheer happiness around them “He left” he whispered again like he caught up with everything.

“But, but, but… was it because I asked about the loft?” Scott’s eyes looked everywhere clenching his jaw before he began to pace “I knew it was too much, I knew it. And I who wanted to ask him if he wanted to come today cause I wanted him here too, that it feels weird that he isn’t. This is the worst birthday gift ever” then he stopped and looked at him “We have to find him, say sorry, then maybe he will come back” then he stood in front of him with his sad guilty eyes locked in his that mirrored his emotions “Right Stiles?”

He sighed “Scott, I think, or I know, it isn’t about the loft and that you asked. Do you know what day it was this Monday. And yes of course Monday because I just said it, but what else?” Scott thought but then shrugged shaking his head “You didn’t notice something different about Derek? I don’t know, like, he smelt kind of salty or, and not the dirty kind of salty…” Scott wrinkled his nose at that “yeah yeah, but I don’t know how feelings really smells so I have nothing more to you”

“Yeah but you’re right”

“I’m _always_ right… mostly… okay okay I’m lucky with my guesses just stop looking at me like that”

“Like I was saying… you’re right about the salty but he smelled the kind of salty my mom smelled like after my moma died…” and now he could see Scott figured it out “No. Nooo. No,no,no,nooo”

“Yes buddy” he just said and laid a hand on his brother’s slumped shoulders “But one reason I think caused him to leave is, that he thinks everything that happened now was his fault, and other reasons that even I haven’t figured out yet, but _that_ I do know”

“But it wasn’t his fault!”

“Yeah I know, you know and everyone in this pack knows it, but he doesn’t. But, you _did_ blame him in the beginning. And okay that’s not helping”

“No” Scott sighed looking like a kicked puppy “you´re right, I said it. I said it was his fault. Man I’m such a fucking stupid crappy friend to him”

“You and me both buddy” he said quietly, patted on his shoulder and squeezed. 

“We´re really sucky, like two sucky dicks who’s sucking really hard”

“Dude, you _do_ realize what you just said?”

“Man not now, _hilarious_ , but not now”

“Yeah I know”

They both sighed and slumped against the wall. 

 

-

 

“But, what are we going to do?” Scott said after a moment in silence leaning against the wall looking like someone has taken away all the good in their lives “If he´s gone… I-I can´t even think about that he´s never coming back. Sure he gone away a month before, but he always come back to us”

Yeah he know exactly what he means. To see him drive away in the sunrise was like in the end of a cowboy movie, just that, the cowboy comes back. After a while, but he do come back. 

“ _Oh_ Scotty boy, this one I have no idéa” he sighed with hand in pockets “right now it feels like I’m just waiting for Sunday to come so we know” he took out his phone.

Nothing… no text from him, answering on his… fuck… 

“This is fucking heavy” he said and put it back again with the feeling about him never coming back growing bigger. 

He looked at Scott who looked at him confused “Heavy? What’s heavy? Should I lift something for you?”

“No dude, like heavy… ‘Back to the future’” when he didn’t see a reaction he groaned “You haven’t seen that either. What the fuck man! What are you even doing with your time?!”

Scott then looked at him with like a ‘Im-saving-everybody’s-asses-from-death-like-situations’ expression.

He grumbled a “Shut up” but it wasn’t with any heat and they both sighed and looked at each other with the same worried expression.

“Stiles!” Malias voice got him to look away and saw her walking towards them. She went for a peck on his lips, like they usually did, but he smoothly turned it to a hug. 

Like the one he did this morning…

And, yeah… it didn’t feel the same.


	4. #4 Bloody Arousal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woow, this is really difficult to get all that I want to write and write it down in a different language! So Im so sorry if there is typos in this chapter (I know there is ;) )  
> I just love to write this, so if it takes time for me to update its only cause i have a hard time to get it in english ^^, 
> 
> And again sorry for any typos, i hope u understand it anyway!  
> Kram på er!  
> //JeS

#4

“Okay Mr. Hale, I think we´re almost done with everything. We now know what services you want from us and we are going to make sure to find someone for your house” the man sounded too happy behind his expensive desk for Derek’s liking “Was it something else we could help you with?”

He was distracted cause he could feel eyes on him from other customers and from employees who walked by this guy’s desk far too often looking with big eyes directly at him.

He didn’t want to look like a hobo when talking business, but it was just a simple white button up he had rolled up the sleeves on with black jeans and his boots. Nothing special really.

Maybe that’s why? Their customers usually have suits? But their longingly gazes told him ‘no that’s not the case’. 

He frowned and shook his head “No, the payment?” impatiently he began to bounce with his leg because he felt nervous with all those eyes on him, or maybe not nervous but he really wanted to get away from them.

The man, Mr. Samwire according to the golden plate thing on the desk, gave him a look by his tone. His grumpy cold tone. But then smiled a big fake smile because, he was a customer.

“It’s all taken care off, when everything is done you get a call from us about what you got, no need for you to worry about this that’s our problem to get what you want. Sounds good?”

He shrugged “Yeah okay” it wasn’t like he didn’t have money so he didn’t care, all he know is that he don’t want anything to do with it “Wasn’t it something I should sign?” he mumbled and gave him a blank look, but the words got the man to lit up.

“Yes of course, the contract” the man jumped up from his chair and started go through some papers on a shelf. When he found it he turned around and gave him the paper and a pen to sign it with.

He read through the contract to see if it was correct, like he was taught to do by his parents. Then slowly signed it and gave it back.

The man smiled that smile Derek had come to hate, because it was so fake. And together with the smell of arousal from the others who looked at him made him nauseous. All of it made him feel like a thing for them to use and look at, not a person.

It maybe was stupid and exaggerated to think so, but after his relationships every gaze filled with arousal made him feel abused by them.

Stiles and everybody thought that he liked to be looked at, to be desired. Oh they were wrong, so fucking wrong. He couldn’t stand it.

He has even thought of to stop training, let the body just be. Cause that’s the only thing they see when they look at him and cared about. His body.

But then he would go crazy, cause he needed to make his muscles tired. To push until he almost falls down exhausted. 

“Yes and we are done Mr. Derek Elian Hale, and I will call you when I find someone” the voice startled him when saying his whole name and he looked up to the man nodded before hurried to leave.

When he walked to the entrance he could still feel all eyes on him and made it cringe inside of him. It started prickling on his neck by all the nerves vibrating along with the skin, he just wanted to get out of there.

He swallowed down the bad taste and looked to the receptionist, a small girl who had a sweet friendly smile. Nothing like a predator, just a friendly smile, and he could feel himself give one back and a little nod before he exited. 

 

Finally in the car he could breathed properly again, and leaned the head back and closed his eyes.

For a moment he didn’t feel anything, it was… peaceful?

He was startled by his phone starting to vibrate in his pocket, letting him know he got a text. Right away he knew who it was from and the image from this morning was back, clear like a picture in front of him. And he felt bad, so bad.

He wanted to start the car, turn around and drive… home.

_“you come home to me, to us, to your pack”_

Stiles word echoed over and over again…

It felt right, but so wrong and he just didn’t know what to do. It was like a whole new kind of feeling took over him and he didn’t know where to put it, how to handle it. Didn’t even know what it was.

_“you come home to me, to us, to your pack”_

It got everything he controlled in so many years to turn upside down and he really could feel all the panic, lost, loneliness and sorrow build up inside of him.

Like after so many years hidden it began to take over him and took anger with it to the surface. He clenched his fists on the steering wheel and tried to calm down.

But he didn’t have an anchor, anger didn’t work anymore and he hasn’t found a new one to hang on to.

He couldn’t go back now, not when already left and started everything. Already begun to disappear from them.

_“you come home to me, to us, to your pack”_

_“you come home to me”_

_“come home to me”_

_“home to me”_

_“to me”_

His fist was through the side window before he knew it. The sound of crushing glass pierced through every noise near him, lucky for him the street he parked his car was empty so no one saw it.

“Fuck” he whispered and looked down at the bloody hand filled with pieces of glass so deep he could feel some of it was stuck to the bone “Fuck, fuck, fuck” the blood poured out like water and colored everything red…

Quickly he took one last look around to see if there was someone near, before grabbing his bag in the backseat and struggled to get it open. Finally he felt it zipped open so he could grab a shirt and wrap it around his hand to stop the bleeding.

The pain was so bad he heard a whimper slip through his lips. He closed his eyes and leaned back his head and waited for it to begin to heal. 

There was no way he could get out all the glass from his hand here in bright daylight, if someone would walk past his car and took a look inside and saw all blood everywhere they would call an ambulance. And that’s something he really want to avoid.

The pain was unimaginable when the skin healed around the glass and made it cut itself deeper into the bone. But it stopped bleeding…

He dug in the bag for another shirt to wipe up the blood that hasn’t dried already, but when he pulled it out something white followed with. And before he could react three envelopes whirled around and landed in the front seat right in the blood, colored the white to red in an instant.

He stared at the envelopes which contained letters he had memorized to the last word. Now they were ruined, with his own blood.

That was comical, he left so no more blood would be spilt cause of him and now even more blood been spilled on their names…

Slowly he leaned forward and took the one who was bloodiest and a small bitterly laugh escaped him when he saw the name on it. A name drenched in blood.

_-Stiles-_

Even when he´s not with him he finds a way to do destroy everything…

He sighs and looks down at his shirt that before was white like the envelopes and even now, with blood splashed all over it, looked just the same.

It was like everything continued to fall apart, even when he sacrificed his heart for their safety, everything continued to fall apart.

It didn’t matter what he did or where he was, everything went wrong.

And he didn’t know where to go anymore… only thing he did know was where he wanted to be.


	5. #5 Broken Silence

#5

For some, sneaking away from their buddies is easy. You know, just to get some alone time. Not _that_ kind of alone time, just, alone, you know...

Like, to go somewhere and just breathe without someone talking and ruin the silence with unnecessary boring stuff like “Ohhh I got to touch her booby!” Liam, or “Yeah, so, I bought a new scarf…” he doesn’t even have to say who that one was, right? Yeah…

But for him, for _Stiles_ , sneaking away is like, is like. You know like in those Oceans eleven movies, George Clooney and those crackers going to break in buildings and stuff? Yeah that’s him when trying to sneak away from those freaking werewolf’s! 

Only difference is that he suck at it, and every fucking time they´re like “Where are you going?” and that’s the end of it all. No “Yaaay I succeeded, I´m free!” no, uh-uh, that’s not him. 

He must accept that he is not a fucking ninja with skills to climb on ceilings to get where he wants to be, alone. No for him his fate is to sit on this couch, in the loft, after they were done cleaning up after the party, and just listening to all of his friends talking and being happy without knowing that the owner of this loft may not be coming back.

One look at Scott and he knew that his buddy was thinking the same thing, cause he was looking up stairs where Derek´s bedroom was with an sadness that it was weird that nobody had noticed it.

Yeah, they hasn’t told any of them. Maybe in denial of it, but also, both of them hoped that they were wrong. That tomorrow he will be back, walking through the door with his scowly face and sighed “Why are you still here” like he didn’t love to have them there, but Stiles knew he totally did.

Total denial he sighed to himself, cause he haven’t got any text back and he has sent…

He took out his phone and counted the numbered of texts he sent him and…

Woooah fifteen? Fifteen?! Nooo, it can’t be. He has not sent Derek fifteen, FIFTEEN, texts! 

Yaicks!

Quickly he lay his phone on the table and drummed his fingers on his thighs in an attempt to distract his hands to _not_ grab the phone. He looked at his friends again to see if anyone of them could help and distract him from not text Derek again.

But Scott was now talking to Kira and Liam, Isaac was with Lydia and Jordan out at the balcony…

Huh, maybe he could try now?

Carefully he stood up from his seat and walked not leaving his eyes on Scott, until he got to the stairs. Maybe if they caught him he could just blame on that he was gonna take a look upstairs so no one has destroyed anything? Yeah…

It was when he closed the bedroom door, turned around with his back against it and sighed. It was then he realized, he made it! He made it!

For the first time he didn’t get caught!

He stopped himself just in time before raising his arms and call out a ‘Yes!’ cause that would ruined everything. Instead he just stood there, letting his gaze take in the room.

He was in Derek’s bedroom, the wolf´s den…

He nodded at what he saw, not too shabby, not too shabby at all Sourwolf. 

The big wooden headboard and bedframe almost took all space of the room, and it was like the wolf himself took some trees, cut it in half and made it to a bed. It sounds worse than it was, cause the rough look was really beautiful, like something you didn’t think of to have and he liked it, liked it a lot. 

It suited Derek was the only thing he could think of, and the rest of the room was really like he didn’t imagine it would be. Creamy white wooden board walls and dark wooden floors, the wolf even had curtains in greenish colors… and the more he looked, the more he loved what he saw!

Slowly he made his way to the unmade bed and sat down on it. His hands traced the patterns on the blanket while he breathed in the faint smell of Derek. Smell, scent? Scent...

It was comforting, like he was coming back any time soon. 

Then his eyes was drawn to something in the corner and he frowned at the leather jacket hanging on the chair. 

Why did he leave it behind? And without thinking he walked to it, wrapped it around him and went back to the bed.

This time he laid down on the beautiful bed to the squishy sound of moving leather, the pillow felt pillowy underneath his head and he took a deep calm breath. Then the wolfs scent was everywhere, comforting him, and he could feel the stomach ache he had since yesterday morning slowly disappear.

For the first time in a long, long time he felt safe. He felt safe in Derek’s bed, surrounded by his scent and warmth. Now he really wished that he would be here.

He didn’t care in what mood he would have, if only he where here, even if he just stood there frowning he would be here, with him… and everything would be alright.

He reached for the blanket and pulled it over him, it felt warm and soft against him. So perfect, everything was so perfect and he could feel his eyelids get heavier and heavier.

Everything he felt right know, he didn’t know why, what it meant. But right now he didn’t care cause he felt safe and good, like he no longer was broken after the Nogitsune…

He didn’t even felt bad of what he felt, what Derek got him to feel, just because he had Malia or not had her, or something, he don’t know anymore…

Since Friday, to kiss her, hug her. Everything felt wrong. 

After just one emotional hug with Derek, the look in his eyes like he was drowning and just then Stiles was the only thing that kept him breathing. 

It was all it took for him to wondering if what he always felt for the guy was something… more.


	6. #6 Haunted Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh crap... I´m soooooo sorry for any typos.  
> But here is your update! ^^,
> 
> PoK  
> //JeS

Something woke him up…

With strained breaths and still affected from sleep he looked around in the dark to see what it was that released him from the grip of his nightmare.

This time it wasn’t the scream from his family when they were eaten by the flames, or the smoke suffocating him… no, not this time…

He was trapped, trapped with electricity flowing through his body and it didn’t matter what he did, he couldn’t save him… the whiskey brown eyes. Every time, they slowly became lifeless.

His phone vibrated again making him jump and start digging in his pockets, gasping when he felt the pain. Then he remembered the glass, that he had fallen asleep from the pain before he could do something about it.

Fuck… how long was he asleep?

He ignored the piercing pain and quickly grabbed the phone that started vibrate again, but longer. It was ringing. Why was it ringing?

 

No one ever called him…

 

“Hello” his voice was hoarse and thick still from sleep and he focused on what he heard while rubbing his eyes. 

It was nothing, he heard nothing. He was going to hang up when someone scrambled on the other side.

“Derek?” someone said “Derek, you answered?” it sounded surprised and he sighed.

“Yeah, do you want me to hang up so you can call me again, and I promise, I´m not going to answer”

Chris chuckled at that “No, I was just surprised. You never answer on the second call” and yeah, that was true. Only in life and death situations he answer on the first call… otherwise, nah, not happening.

He sighed leaning his head back trying understand why he called, but before he could ask Chris cleared his throat.

“I know this is much for me to ask you, but“ he started but then went quiet and even on the phone Derek could feel the guilt from the other man. Guilt over something that wasn’t his fault.

“Chris, it’s okay” he mumbled, feeling that he needed to say something. But it was true, it’s okay between them. 

All this time it´s like Chris was trying to make up for something that he didn’t do. And now, when Derek knew Chris had nothing to do with Kates… plans back then. He didn’t hate him anymore.

So much had happened that… yeah you could say that they had some sort of trust and respect for each other. At least from his side, but he do know Chris wouldn’t shoot him, and that was at least comforting.

“I know, you say so, but…” Chris sighed “anyway, is there any chance that you´re in Beacon Hills?”

“No, I’m out of town” he mumbled and could hear Chris swear quietly, that gave him a sinking feeling in his stomach “What” he grumbled but inside he was starting to get worried.

In an instant Scott and the pack filled his thoughts. What if something has happened to them?!

Then it struck him like a punch in his chest…

What if, what if something happened to St-

“It´s just” Chris voice brought him back “I have some trouble with something and I really could have needed your… assistance, but-” Chris started but he cut him off and sighed relieved on the inside.

“I will be there, where are you?” he started his car only wincing a little by the pain before turning the wheels and drove off.

“What?” this time the surprise in Chris voice, that he would help anyway, this time it _did_ hurt, a little.

Did they all really think that he didn’t care?

Yeah, a year ago he wouldn’t care if Chris died or something like that. Now, yeah he would… _care_. Not as much as if someone from his pack-

 

No, not _his_ pack… do NOT go that way!

That little slip got his emotions to crawl everywhere. He took a deep breath and forced everything deep down, putting the mask back on. 

The mask of the Derek they all was used to, the one they all thought he was.

As he drove hom-e… no, drove to Beacon Hills. He couldn’t hide from himself that he felt happy about it, or maybe not happy. Something, he felt something… good?

It was kind of weird, cause who feels like this when you drive to the hometown were almost your whole family died, or you could say his whole family. The real Peter died with the others in the fire. 

And Laura died there by the hands of Peter's shell...

The memory of his family and their burned bodies, Lauras half body with those lifeless eyes staring right at him, it got his chest to tighten. It got the air to feel thin in his lungs.

But, even when he thought about them the feeling didn’t disappear. It instead grew a little stronger, only a little but it did grow.

A sound through the phone got him to remember. Right, right he was talking to Chris!

“Do you want my help or not?” he grumbled, and could hear a sigh from the other side. Like Chris was relieved of him helping?

Or maybe he is relieved that he don’t need to drag out the teenager Alpha and risk his life, or whatever was going on back there.

Well, that felt a little sour… but he would´ve done the same. 

“Yes thanks, when can you be here?” Chris sounded hurried and then a crashing sound was heard in the background, making Derek bottom the gas.

“Where are you?” he hated the feeling that he couldn’t do anything, especially while gunshots was heard on the other side “Chris? Chris, are you okay?” it went quiet in the phone and he swore to himself when the car wouldn’t go any faster.

“Fuck!” in anger he threw the phone on the passenger seat and tried to come up with a plan to find Chris. Find him without calling Scott!

The Beacon Hills sign came just a few minutes later making him a little surprised. He didn’t know that he was this close. 

But didn’t think more about it when the phone rang again. With the air stuck in his throat he quickly grabbed it and answered.

“Chris?” and he could hear heavy breathing in the background.

“I´m touched, you answered on my first call” Chris voice was hoarse but he was alive. Chris was alive.

He breathed out in relief, he even let out a short chuckle “Yeah, you know. Thought you might appreciate it”

“I do, I really do, but would it be rude for me to ask you to hurry to the abandoned warehouse by the railroad?”

“On my way” he said hanging up and drove to the location.

 

-

 

The big warehouse came into view. 

In the dark it felt like the perfect place to have in a horror movie and it made a shiver run through him. Even though he´s a werewolf and had gone through so much crap, he didn’t like horror movies, he _hated_ them. He already got a shitty life full of weird monsters so why watch it on TV?

The clock in the car showed him it was near midnight, and it felt typical. Being at an old, abandoned creepy building like this, by midnight. 

He parked his car, killed the engine and listened. Slowly he checked the surroundings and came up with nothing. No movements, no sound.

Quiet, it was too quiet. Even his werewolf senses was tingling… 

Werewolf senses was _tingling_? Oh my god, _that_ one Stiles would´ve loved to hear him say… 

Quickly he shook his head and opened the door, and was hit by a stench that made him almost choke. It was awful, like nothing he ever smelled before! He even had to pull his shirt over his nose so he wouldn’t vomit. 

When he closed the car door it echoed everywhere, breaking the deafening silence. Everything was making him nervous, he didn’t like this, not at all.

The tingling got worse…

A shot was heard before a bullet hit him in the shoulder. He didn’t have the chance to register the pain jumping behind the car just in time before more bullets came flying through the air.

Fucking crap!

The blood oozed from his shoulder down his arm, he hissed when putting pressure in the wound with his other hand.

Hunters, it have to be hunters! But why go after Chris?! Why now? Chris haven’t done anything wrong? The pack haven’t done anything? Right?

Jesus crap this hurt! But the bullet didn’t felt like it was poisoned.

And he couldn’t call Chris, what if he was hidden…

Fucking fuck crap!

Without thinking more about it, he sprinted into the warehouse hoping the bullets wasn’t poisoned. With only one more bullet in his body he got in and could focus on Chris scent.

He hid behind some lockers when he heard footsteps coming closer, closer before disappearing. And it was quiet again.

Why shooting at him and then let him go? Something is definitely going on… 

Silently he made his way to the direction the scent led him. It was strong enough that he didn’t have to focus much, and it was a relief cause his skin was itching of pain but also of how much he didn’t like this, at all. 

It felt wrong, so fucking wrong…

“Derek” a whisper he almost didn´t hear, but he did and it got him to hurry in the darkness. 

Limping through the empty corridors he knew that he left a trail of blood behind him. The shadows was stretching over him to the sound of his steps that he tried to keep light. He came to a stairway and the scent led him up the stairs and then to a room way back in the building.

It was like a staff room, and now it had bullet holes that were covered everywhere. The strong scent of gunpowder was overwhelming and he couldn’t shake off the feeling that it felt wrong. 

Everything went too easy…

A flashback when Scott had saved him from Kate got him to stop in a step. He said the same thing then to Scott and he was right, after he said it he got shot. Maybe, he was right about it now too.

“Derek” he turned around and saw Chris sitting in the corner of the room. He was covered in blood but it smelled like it wasn’t only his. 

A second later he was by his side checking him for injuries. He was shot in the arm, nothing more, and he didn’t bleed much. That was good… good, he was going to make it

“You okay?” he whispered looking into Chris tired eyes who nodded in answer “Do you know where they went?” at that he shook his head.

He sighed and looked around in the room searching for something to wrap around Chris arm, like a bandage. When he didn’t find anything useful he pulled off his shirt to wrap around the arm, it already was ruined with his own blood.

“Okay, we need to get you out of here. Can you stand?” Chris made an effort but grimaced when putting his foot down and then shook his head.

“I think, I think my foot is broken” his voice was filled with pain, it gave him a short feeling of being useless.

Fuck! How did he missed that! Stupid idiot!

But then quickly he laid his hand on the injured foot, painting his veins black with Chris pain. He continued to do it until he saw the relief on Chris face. Then he took some seconds to breath, calming his own heart. 

He know he did it for too long, but he just couldn’t stop. That and with the blood loss he was starting to get dizzy. But he forced himself to ignore it and instead took Chris and slung him over his shoulders.

“This feels weird” Chris said and he could feel himself smile at that but didn’t response.

He didn’t response cause that feeling he had all the time, it just kept getting stronger...

A ticking sound when he got to the stairway got him suspicious, he recognized it. It sounded like some sort of clock, but more like an old one. Like that one from the police station when he and Chris… 

Then it hit him and quickly ran down the stairs. At the bottom the dizziness got worse, but he pushed himself forward, stumbling a little but kept straight up so that Christ wouldn´t fall off.

Just before he got to the opening he heard a clicking sound, and took all the strength he had left and threw Chris out of the building and see him land in a safe distance.

He sighed and only saw one thing in front of him. It was the look in Stiles eyes before he got in the car and left. Like, if Derek would leave him and never come back, he would break.

And then the only thing in his mind was "Now I never will come back to them, to him" the second before the bomb went off. Making the whole building collapse down over him…


	7. #7 Wreck of Reality

#7

 

Loud voices made him want to throw a pillow to stop them from talking. He hasn´t slept this good in a long time, if not ever, and he did not want it to end!

He didn’t even have a nightmare, it was rather dreamless, or, he couldn’t remember. But what he do know is that if he dreamt it was a good one cause he felt warm and fluffy. Like a happy little puppy!

Oh frickenings fricks! Would they just _shut up!_

 

Instead of throwing the pillow he laid it over his head and tried to get back to sleep. Tried and failed, big time.

Nope they didn’t shut up!

“Guys!” he muffled into the pillow, hearing the sleep in his voice “Guys! Someone up here tries to _sleep_!” he singsong the last bit and sounded as bitterly as he could. That means _a lot_!

Scott knew that he needed to sleep, that he didn’t want to take pills to get a good night sleep. And he have to know Stiles was a sleep by the sound of his heartrate, so why didn’t he let him continue his awesome sleep?

Huh, he could feel his brain cells waking up by that thought. Frowning, he peeked out under the blanket and pillows…

Why did Scott let them talk this loud, and now when he listens to the voices they sounded… panic? No, worried? _Both_?

“Stiles!” Scott’s voice was heard before the bedroom door flew open, revealing an Alpha that was looking close to a mental patient. Crazy as fuck!

Slowly he sat up making the pillow and blanket fall off of him. Still frowning he hold the jacket closer around his body, which got the muscles to relax a little by Derek’s scent still lingering in it.

“Chris needs our help, some hunters tried to kill him. Or they may still be after him, the call ended before I could get more info from him” Scott rambled and was panting now, Stiles could see the panic build up inside of him.

After… Allison…

After what happened, Chris and Scott bonded to another level. The death of their most important girl brought them together. Yeah sure Scott had Kira now, and that was good. She was good to him and Stiles loved her.

But Allison was… Allison.

He nodded and quickly got off the bed, almost falling cause of the blanket that was wrapped around him in a weird way, like in his sleep he couldn’t get it close enough.

A few seconds later he was free and could put on the leather jacket that was just a little too big cause he wasn’t built like Derek, but he didn’t care. He looked at Scott who was frowning for a moment before shaking his head.

“I know he´s at the old warehouse” Scott continued waiting for him and together they walked down the stairs to the rest of the pack.

Frantic they all stood and talked, at the same time. That means, they didn’t listen to what they said to each other. He sighed at the whole thing.

“You know, something happened to Chris and you all just talking like hens without listening to what the others says” he kept his voice loud but without screaming, it got everybody to shut up and turn to him. He frowned “where is Parrish?”

Even Malia had returned after the fiasco at the party, and he quickly turned his gaze away from her. It was a fiasco cause she must have smelt something coming from him when she tried to kiss him, like they usual did but he only had hugged her. He wasn’t as smoothly as he thought, wishing he was hugging someone else...

But she was there and their flammable cop wasn’t. 

“Your dad called him, apparently the warehouse Chris was by has collapsed” Lydia said as calm as always but her eyes gave her away. She was worried.

“Ooookay, but that means the cops are there… shouldn’t the hunters flee by that?” He turned to everyone but stopped at Scott who just shrugged.

“We´re going anyway, it was something Chris said and I can´t shake that feeling it was something more he was going to say before the call ended” Scotts tone gave Stiles the chills, cause if Scott is worried…

He nodded “Okay, but when we get close enough we go on foot the last bit. Just in case there is someone left hiding to take you guys out” he held his tone soft cause he could see the worried looks on everyone’s faces.

Liam was biting his lip leaning closer to Scott, like Isaac also did but no one of them said anything. But nodded when they all agreed on what they were going to do.

Quickly they made their way down the stairs. Scott and Kira took his bike, the others huddled in Stiles Jeep. He sighed in relief when Malia got in the backseat with Lydia and Liam, leaving Isaac to sit next to him.

“You okay?” he mumbled looking sideways at him while driving out on the street, cause Isaac was quiet.

Yeah Isaac wasn’t the talking type, but this. This wasn’t normal, even for him.

Isaac nodded and mumbled back “Yeah I just… I just have a really bad feeling, that’s all”

A bad feeling… now Stiles got worried.

They never _ever_ got a bad feeling, never!

Maybe that’s what Scott was feeling too?! Oh fuck…

Fuck, fuck, fuck…

This wasn’t good, not good at all. What if Chris was taken? What if the hunters got to him? What if they will find him dead?!

Oh god, this wasn’t good…

“Stiles, stop freaking out. You can’t freak out” Liams small voice came from behind, making him guilty “Don’t feel that either, I just… I just. If you´re freaking out something is really bad” _And it making me scared_ , it was unsaid but Stiles could hear Liams words in his head.

Cause Liam was sensitive. Weird huh? A werewolf, that everyone thinks is a bloodthirsty beast, is sensitive… but that’s Liam.

He saw Scott’s green and black bike standing on the side of the road. He parked the Jeep behind it and got out while the others was tumbling out after him.

He walked fast to the Alpha who was scanning the surroundings with red eyes, cocking his head to the side revealing he was listening after something. But when Stiles got close he stopped and looked at his best friend.

“The cops are there but they don’t say anything about Chris, so I think your dad already got him out of there”

“Nothing else? Smell anything?”

Scott shook his head frowning “No, that’s the thing. Something strong is coming from there, and it makes me nauseous”

“Strong, like, like, perfume?”

Scott shook his head again looking a little green “No, nope, absolutely not perfume” at that Stiles heard someone puke behind him and he turned around to see Liam standing by the road, throwing up everything he has eaten.

He widen his eyes “Oh, okay so not flowers or candy either” the stare he got from the young werewolf got him to turn back to Scott again “You think you can go on?” 

“Have to” Scott just said then began to walk, making everyone else follow with.

 

-

 

For him, who was a human, the stench was bearable. But every werewolf that walked with him was looking pale and greenish, so for them it seemed like they was walking through hell.

A hell made by an awful, disgusting stench!

But when they saw the big building that now was like a big pile of junk on the ground, a really big pile! They all seems to forget about it and stared at the flames the firemen’s haven’t put out yet. 

The view was, it was horrific. And the thought of Chris being in that building got everything to twist inside of him. 

They all began to walk around it to look for his dad, when he saw something near the burning building.

He frowned mumbled “ _Guys…_ ” and changed his direction walking closer to it. But began to run shouting “Guys!” when he recognize the car.

He didn’t care if they followed him. That was Derek’s car!

Why was it here?! It wasn´t supposed to be here! This place was destroyed! It shouldn’t be here!

Wide-eyed he took in the bullet holes that covered one whole side of the car. He walked around it and then saw that the driver’s window was broken, crushed to thousand pieces…

Without thinking he looked through the broken window and stopped breathing. It was blood, it was blood everywhere!

He felt a hand on his shoulder making him jump and turn around. Scott’s eyes was filled with emotions that didn’t even make sense to him. 

It was only blood, Derek has been through worse than this. He even had Peters hand through his stomach, _and_ , had gotten impaled in the chest by a pipe… so, so, so _this_.

 _This_ , was nothing…

He was somewhere, they just need to find him. Quickly cause he was bleeding...

He looked around, hoping to see the older wolf walking towards them. Then looked back at his buddy and saw tears in his eyes.

He frowned, why was he crying? Did Chris die?

Right then Chris pale face came into view behind Scott. So no he wasn’t dead, but he was looking at him with such sorrow and grief. 

He didn’t understand why he was looking like that. He was alive.

“Why are you guys just standing there?” he looked around at everybody and they all wore the same expression “Come on guys, we need to find him” they all looked at each other before looking back at him. 

The burning in his stomach that he got when he recognized the car became stronger. He chuckled and backed away shaking his head.

Scott reached for him but he winced away not wanting it, not now, and shook his head again feeling angry. Everything made Scotts sad face deepen, but he couldn’t care about that. 

“Well, I´m going to find him” he felt even angrier the more he looked at their faces, and spat out “Cause unlike you guys, I´m not going to be a crappy friend to him”

“Stiles!” Scott sounded desperate when Stiles turned toward the wreck of the former warehouse “Stiles, he´s dead…” it got him to shake his head again with his back against them.

“It´s true” now it was Chris voice “He got to me in time, but then he threw me out of the building just before the bomb went off” Chris voice fell and broke at the end.

The burning in his stomach spread through his body up to his eyes. Tears wanted to fall but he pushed them back, shaking his head again.

It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. Nope, no way…

“Stiles… please” Scotts voice pleaded, but he couldn’t.

He walked away towards the wreck. The firemen's had gotten control over the fire, now only smoke was coming from it.

He put his hands around his mouth and shouted “Derek!” with a desperate feeling that he really wanted an answer “Derek!” he walked along the wreck with firemen´s running around him. 

No one bothered him when he walked around shouting his name. It was strange… his father must have said something to them.

Tears prickled in his eyes when silence was the only thing that came back to him. He walked around to a place where the fire haven’t reached, so no one was there right now. No one but him.

“Derek!” he shouted again, this time his voice broke and he could feel his throat getting thick. The reality caught up with him making the air thin. He couldn’t breathe.

He was dead, Derek was dead…

He kneeled down on the ground and whispered “Derek…” with tears streaming down his cheeks. He buried his face in his hands and cried. The whole body was shaking by harsh breaths when every emotion was crashing down over him.

He slowly lifted his gaze and let it glide over every stone and steel that used to be a something. It looked like he felt on the inside…

He stopped.

“Scott! Scott!” he screamed as high as he could “Scott!” in some way he crawled to what he saw in a gap between some of the rocks. 

He tried to lift the heavy stones, but he was too weak. Even with the adrenaline going through his body he couldn’t get it to move. 

“Scott!” he screamed again in panic and then heard footsteps. He turned to see his best friend who had shifted come running with the pack after him. Must have thought something was happening to him.

Then he saw everything change in Scott face and he flew down beside him, pushing at the rock Stiles just tried to lift. But this time it moved, quickly.

Under the big stone was a bloody hand, but it was a hand he would recognize everywhere.  
Just seconds after every werewolf was throwing rocks, revealing an arm, legs. Until the last stone was gone and they all saw him.

Even with the blood, cuts and wounds, it looked like he was sleeping.

He climbed to get to him and kneeled by his side. Snivelling he carefully lay a hand on his cheek just below a big awful cut. 

“Derek?” he whispered with a voice full of tears, hearing it breaking when whispering “Derek, wake up. _Please_ wake up…”

Feeling desperate he leaned forward, placing his cheek on Derek´s other cheek that wasn’t injured and just breathed. 

It was covered by dirt, sweat and blood but it was there. Derek’s scent was there and even in this situation it calmed him. 

Why hasn’t he noticed it before? That Derek´s scent did this to him… maybe he just didn’t think about it. Maybe it just felt natural that he didn’t noticed it…

Sobbing sounds that didn’t belong to him got him to turn his head toward the others. All of them cried, but it didn’t look like it was of happiness and it got him to frown…

Isaac held Liam close in his arms, while Lydia was embraced by Jordan that he hasn´t noticed was there with them. The craziest thing happened in front of him, Lydia cried, but I wasn´t that. She cried cause of _Derek_ …

He moved his gaze to Scott who held his arms tight around Kira that had her face buried against his chest. With red puffy eyes Scott met his gaze and just by a look Stiles knew.

He knew and everything froze around him. Time stopped. The only thing he could hear, could _feel_ , was his own heart slowly breaking into pieces.

Derek´s heart isn´t beating…


	8. #8 Late Recognition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys! Update time! ^^,  
> If you noticed I´ve changed the tags (don´t hate me) and the end is not going to be as I thought it would be.  
> BUT, as you also going to see is that this isn´t the last chapter! So hang on ´cause you never know!
> 
> And as always, so so so so sorry for any typos or anything else that´s wrong!  
> PoK  
> //JeS

#8

 _Breathe_ Derek…

Just, _breathe_... I want to feel how you fill your lungs with air, slowly lifting my head up and down. Feel your breath against my skin. I want your heart to start beating, hear it against my ear.

All I want, all that I _need_ is for you to breathe…

“Please Derek…” tears rolled down from his eyes over on the dirty bloody skin underneath his head. He just couldn’t stop breathe in his scent. It was like he was addicted to it.

If he let him go… he never going to feel it again. It would be gone, forever… and that made him scared.

Snivelling he leaned up to look down at the face of a man who had become so important to him, without him noticed it.

It’s crazy how you don’t know how much you will miss something before it’s gone… or how much you loved…

The dark thick hair felt soft against his fingers, it was as he had imagined it would be. Gently he stroked his fingers through it while tears fell down on the older wolfs cheeks. 

Tears that left traces on the dirty skin when rolling down, making it look like it was Derek that cried. He followed them with his gaze, until they disappeared.

He took a shaking breathe and couldn’t stop looking at him.

Only 23 years old and have been through so much crap and hell, and _survived_ … and now? He died saving someone’s life.

He hated himself for wishing Derek never went into that building, ´cause then Chris would´ve died and be another thing Derek would blame himself for. 

Stiles hate himself even more for how he treated him, how they all have treated him...

He wished to get a new chance. A chance to show Derek how much they all appreciated him, how much they needed him. That together they all made a perfect pack of misfits…

A chance to tell him how much he is worth, that he deserve everything good there is. A chance to tell him how much he means to him. 

To hold him and never let go…

He just wished to see those eyes again. Those eyes he before envied cause they were so beautiful. They were like magic, ´cause he never could tell what color they really had. 

Those eyes he now adored because he now know why he envied them. He wanted them to see him.

“Son…” he winced by the sudden voice and looked up at a blurry version of his dad “Son” he repeated taking a step closer and laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly.

Those eyes looking back at him, they were only filled with sadness and with that frown his dad had, he just couldn’t take it. It was like a slap to his face, like someone dug a hole inside of him. It made him angry, so fucking angry!

“What!” he spat and saw his dad wince at his tone, but didn’t feel anything but numb on the inside.

He looked around seeing everyone close to them. Melissa was also there now, looking with the same sadness at him as his dad, making him even angrier.

They was all of them looking at him, he stopped at Chris. Felt himself frowning deep.

“The hunter in you must feel happy about this, huh…” he said with a voice that didn’t sound like him. It was filled with so much hate, mirroring of his inside “… happy that another monster is dead.”

Chris face fell at his words shaking his head “I never wanted-“

“Bullshit!” he cut him of looking away, his chest heaved with strained breaths while looking at the wreck “He wasn’t going to come back” he brought his gaze back at them “Derek wasn’t going to come back after this weekend” his voice broke and he looked down at his hands.

They were covered by his blood, by Derek’s blood…

Derek wasn’t supposed to be here.

“Here” his dad held something towards him making him look up. He frowned at the white envelope with his name on it “It makes more sense now, I think Derek was going to send this when he was gone”

Quickly he took the envelope and looked at it with an empty feeling in his stomach. Then he tore up it, unfurled the small letter… 

The paper was crinkled and looked like it was torn from something. Derek´s handwriting seem to be in a hurry ´cause they were kind of sloppy.

 

_-Stiles_

_You have to know, to leave was the hardest decision I had to make in a long time, if not ever. Please don’t hate me when you realize I´m not coming back. Everything I have done now is for your own good._

_Me being with the pack, with you… it only means trouble. It has been so much death and it´s all my fault, and I can´t see the rest of you die because of me._

_When I left, to see you like that, it hurt so much … and I did that to you._

_So much have happened that I didn’t realized how much you have come to mean to me, Stiles._

_Scott is like my own little brother… but you, you means so much more._

_It´s like, as soon as I see you, catch your scent I feel safe, calm. You have given me so much without even noticed it, and to that. Thank you._

_I don’t know where I´m going with this or why I´m telling you, just…_

_I hope you know that you deserve so much and only the best._

_I don’t know the right way to say good bye to you. But I don’t think there is one._

_Please take care of you and the pack, and Scott. He is going to need you._

_And please accept everything, I don’t say anything more about that, just, please accept._

_Derek-_

 

That was it. This was the last thing he had from Derek, the last thing he heard from him. And.

He wanted more…

“Son, let’s go” His dad laid a hand on his shoulders again “Deaton is coming for his body” 

“We have all treated him like crap” he whispered, not caring what his dad said “He lost his whole family ´cause of a psychotic bitch. Lost his sister ´cause of a psychotic murderer. We accused him to murder his own sister, his _sister_ ” he slowly shook his head “We have all said so much crap to him. Blamed him on so much things. Giving him crap when all he did was doing the best he could” he looked up with eyes hurting by all tears he had shed.

He looked at all the guilty eyes, felt as guilty himself.

He stopped at Scott who was holding another letter, his was bloody? But then he met his eyes filled with different emotions and couldn’t stop looking into them. Scott’s tears didn’t stop rolling down his cheeks, holding the letter like it was a lifeline.

“We didn’t deserve him. If we just been there for him…” Stiles sighed looking down at his own letter “… understanding what he had been through, that there was a reason he was like that…”

“I just wish this was a bad dream” He looked up at the sound of Scott´s hoarse voice, seeing his best friend´s gaze locked on Derek “That I´m going to wake up on his coach by the sound of his voice mumbling out something like, ‘Why are you still here’” another tear fell down on the Alphas cheek and he held Kira closer with the other hand that didn’t held his letter.

“Come on kids, let’s get going” Melissa soft voice was the one speaking up.

Her voice got Isaac to move towards Derek. He looked at the curly Beta when he sobbing walked and kneeled by them, gently leaning down laying his cheek against Derek’s, whispering something before kissing his forehead.

Next was Lydia and Jordan kneeling by them. Lydia gave a soft kiss on Derek’s cheek whispering something while Jordan laid his forehead against Derek’s.

Liam quickly threw himself on the ground hugging Derek while he cried whispering “I-I´m sorr-sorry, pl-please pl-ease wake up” a second later Isaac was by his side taking him away so that Kira and the Sheriff and Melissa could say their good byes.

The last of them was Scott…

Who just stood there still with his gaze locked on Derek’s lifeless body, still with tears rolling down his cheeks. Then he started walking not taking away his eyes from Derek, and slowly kneeled by them.

He could see every emotion going on through Scotts eyes. Guilt, sorrow, hate… love.

Then he looked up at Stiles instead, shaking his head…

“This can´t be it” he whispered swallowing hard “This can´t be it, he can´t be dead… this isn´t real Stiles. Derek, can´t, be, dead”

Quickly Stiles laid a hand back on Scotts neck pulling him towards him over Derek’s body, until their foreheads was against each other. It was the only comfort he could give right now…

A few minutes later Scott leaned down and hugged Derek close with his noose buried down in the older wolfs neck, crying.

They all heard him say with broken voice “I’m so sorry, please just come back. Come back to us. _I need you_ ” and it got everyone around them to huddling closer and start crying again.

Stiles, he just. He didn’t know what to do anymore…

“I love you man” was the last thing he heard Scott say before it was his turn…

His turn to say good bye.

Tears started falling down on his cheeks again. Falling and falling without any control. Everything hurt inside of him, and now he just don’t know what to say, what to do.

How do you say good bye to someone that you just realized how much he means to you. How much more you want from him, want to be with.

Say ‘Good bye, forever’ before you got to say ‘Hello, I see you now’.

He took Derek´s face between his hands, gently stroking his thumbs over those cheekbones. The cut didn’t look as awful anymore, it´s sick how he had got used to wounds and blood by now.

He leaned down and stroke his nose against his before kissing him on his forehead. Lingering a few seconds just breathing. Then buried his face down in Derek´s neck, holding him close.

“I want to tell you” he whispering licking his swollen lips “that, that you and your scent calms me too. Making me feel like I´m not broken anymore, like you take away everything bad inside of me and instead makes me feel safe, protected.” his throat is hurting forcing him to swallow.

“I don’t know why I didn´t noticed it before, maybe like you wrote to me. So much have happened that I didn’t realized how much you means to me. I just want you to know that and, and, and…” he swallowed making his voice clear.

“And, I love who you are behind your mask that you think no one sees through. I love that person you tries to deny that you are thinking that you don’t deserve to be that man” he took a shaking breath “Why didn’t I realized, why did I continued deny everything behind my own mask. Why didn’t I have the courage to be true to myself?” 

Everything started to get dizzy, the air was too thin for him to breathe but he forced himself to continued “I just wish I realized it before everything happened, so I got to tell you, to stop you from going… if I just did _something_ ” tears broke his voice and he closed his eyes hard, trying to breathe.

“You are just so, so _wonderful_ …” he whispered thinking about Derek´s rare smiles when he didn’t think anyone looked. How his eyes slipped through the mask he had, revealing what they all really meant to him. How he loved to have them there with him. 

His eyes especially showed it when the young wolfs, and Stiles, argued about some stupid movie. Or was tumbling around on the floor play fighting with each other… yeah okay Stiles also did that, they being werewolf´s didn’t scare him…

But Derek every time just stood with crossed arms by them with a fond smile looking, trying to look bored and annoyed when all he really wanted was to laugh at them.

How he _always_ made sure that everyone was okay, did okay…

“…even when you are grumpy” he continued cause Derek could also be like a grumpy old man… but in a fond way “And, just being near you makes me feel like the safest person in the world” a sob slipped and he lost it when he realized he never going to feel like that anymore. 

He cried so hard he was shaking with his whole body “loosing you… loosing you is the hardest thing I been through since my mom died” he sobbed clutching on to him with fingers digging down hard in Derek´s skin that still felt warm against his cold.

His throat hurt so much, it didn’t matter how much he swallow it didn’t get better…

The last thing he whispered before letting go of the wolf was a broken…

“I need you so much Derek”


	9. #9 Angelic Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The world came crashing down, I lost my way**  
>  A broken fairytale I gave away  
> I wish I could change it back somehow  
> I’m lost without you, I need you tonight
> 
>  
> 
> **Wake me up, I’m stuck, my hands are tied**  
>  Show me how to live, ’cause I’m not alive  
> I wish I was brave, stronger somehow  
> Wish I could turn back time tonight
> 
>  
> 
> **If I was God for one day I’d chase the shadows away**  
>  And lead you back to my heart  
> If I could turn back the time I would erase and rewind  
> And I would make you stay if I was God for one day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter guys!  
> Here you go! :D
> 
> Typos?... yeah, I now there is... :/  
> Other wrong stuff?... yeah, I now that too... :/

#9

 

Someone led him away and they climbed down from the wreck were Derek was lying. He thinks it´s Scott, it felt like it was him holding him up, his own legs couldn’t keep him up, they just folded themselves under him all the time.

But you know how they say that in this situations, that everything just blackout, that you don’t know what´s happening? Not true, not for him.

He felt numb, empty, but even so it was like everything inside of him came crashing down. Hard. It was like someone took a sledge hammer through his chest, clawed him open on the inside. 

He felt dizzy, like he was walking in a daze not knowing where to go.

“Hey buddy, hang on to me. I got you”

It was Scott, he knew it. He could always count on Scott when he really needed him. It felt good to have a friend, a brother like him…

He turned to look back at him, at the body laying by the wreck. It still looked like he just was sleeping, but now had Stiles blue hoodie lying across his chest.

He didn’t want to leave him, but he also didn’t want to see when Deaton took him. So he had thrown of his hoodie and gently laid it over him, like a blanket filled with his scent.

 

Derek had written that his scent calmed him, made him feel safe. He wanted him to feel like that, and not alone, scared.

His fingers dug themselves down harder on the arms holding him up when he turned back. Like he desperately was trying to hold on to reality, to not turn around and go back to him.

Everything has gone so fast, and a part from him was still confused that this was the thing he felt for Derek every time he saw him. But, it all made sense now.

Everything made sense.

He had been jealous of Blake, of Braden. That’s why he didn’t like them. Yeah you can feel like that anyway, but the way he didn’t like them was at that time confusing to him. 

It was as if he had a hole in his stomach every time they looked at Derek, when they touched him. But then he just thought that he was worried about Derek's sake. Yes, he was that too, but it was also something more...

Now he know. _He_ wanted that.

And being with Malia… yeah he felt something for her, of course he did. He´s not a douchebag! 

But as soon as he saw that look in Derek’s eyes, felt Derek´s arms around him clinging to him like his life was depended on it. After that, all that he felt for her was just, gone.

It was like he had woken up and could see all of his feelings for real.

But, then it was too late…

A sound got him out of his thought and with a blurry vision he saw that he now sat in a car. His dad police car. Soon after he felt someone climb in on the other side, and just knew it was Scott.

Then it started vibrating under him, letting him know the car was moving over the small road in the forest. 

Trees was flowing by in a slow pace when his eyes drifted to the window on his side. A hand clutching on to his, squeezed softly, and the warmth felt good against his. His hands was so cold, everything felt so cold.

He heard in the background his dads phone start ringing. It still was the song he chosen for him. Every time he heard that song he started smiling…

Not this time.

“Sheriff Stilinski” his dads voice was muffled, like someone held their hands over Stiles ears “Hi Deaton” he could feel his dads eyes on him “yeah he´s by the wreck where there isn´t any smoke. You´re there? Then you should see him, he has Stiles hoodie over him” his dad’s voice was lower this time, but he heard him.

He didn’t want to, but it´s was like he was forced to.

He leaned his head against the cold window, shutting his eyes that felt raw after all tears 

The aching feeling in his heart started to increase before speeding up, making him breathe faster.

“Stiles?” Scott’s voice was near him and he could feel his body heat against him “Stiles, what’s wrong?”

Everything Scott, everything is wrong! He wanted to scream until his voice broke.

Instead he opened his eyes and looked out through the window just when they came to a clearing. His gaze followed the trees on the other side of the small meadow.

His quick heartbeat stopped just as his breath.

“Stop the car…” he whispered but when nobody heard him he yelled _“Stop the car!”_

He heard them talking to him, but as soon the car stopped he threw himself out of it. He sprinted as fast as he could over the meadow, feeling the damp grass against his pants soaking through them. 

The air was stuck in his throat, he couldn’t breathe, it was like everything stopped working.

“Derek!” he yelled when he saw the shadow by the trees sink down on its knees with a clear blue hoodie in its hands “Derek!” he sobbed out trying to go faster but the uneven ground was making it difficult.

Those magic eyes met his just when rays of the sun peeked out over the trees behind him making him looked like an angel. The most beautiful angel there can be.

“Please be real, please be real…“ he whispered to himself not letting go of those beautiful shining eyes.

When he came near the trees the sun was blinding him, but, Derek was gone…

“No…” he breathed out before he laid his head in his hands falling down on his knees, crying so hard when his whole inside was crashing down again.

It was all in his head…

It was all in his fucking stupid brain!

He heard hush sounds before arms took a hold on his body. He wanted to scream and push them away, but he felt too weak. The last energy he had was gone and he let himself fall into a strong body that held him close.

“Stiles, you didn’t imagine” the soft hoarse voice said down against his neck and he could feel the warm breath from the words spreading over his skin.

You didn’t imagine…

With shaking hands he lets go of his face, slowly leaning his head up afraid what he will see, scared that it´s the wrong eyes.

Magic eyes met his.

Those magic eyes was looking at him just like he always wanted. Eyes that bored into his like he was looking for his soul, making a shiver run through his body.

With shaking hands Stiles laid them against his cheeks, were the awful cut now was gone. He gently stroke his thumbs over the cheekbones. It felt real.

He frowned, but how?

“You made my wolf start healing, you gave him a reason to live” the soft voice said, like he knew what Stiles was thinking.

“Derek?” his voice was just that a tiny whisper but filled with so much hope, but also filled with dread.

The head nodded slowly under his hands making the stubble scratch against his skin “You gave me a reason to not give up”

That made him frown confused "what?”

“You” Derek gave him a soft smile, like the one Stiles loved, before leaning forward so their foreheads touched “You gave me you”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was snatched from his sleep. Felt groggy when he looked out through his window where trees floating past them at a quick pace. 

When he realized what just happened the happy warmth in his stomach was put out like with frozen ice water, making a shiver start in his body.

He stiffened and sat up quickly, feeling his heart going faster like his breathing.

No! 

No, no, no…

A ringing sound began in his ear when suddenly everything started to get dizzy. There was no air, he needed out from the car.

“Stop the car!” he screamed and felt the car brake hard. His fingers searched blindly for the handle while the ringing sound got worse with a crushing pressure on his chest.

Fresh air filled his lungs when he finally scramble out the car. Stumbling over the grass that felt damp against his arms and pants he tried to go forward to get somewhere, anywhere.

It was all a dream… _it was all a dream!_

The thought got something to squeeze hard around his heart, got him to run faster over the uneven ground. Tears were streaming down his cheeks making his sight blurry.

He ran until he couldn’t see where he was going and fell down on his knees. He covered his ears with his hands to get the ringing sound to stop, burying his fingers down in the brownish hair and gripping it hard until he felt it hurt.

What was happening to him?!

It was too much, everything was too much…

It felt like he was eaten up on the inside, it hurt so bad! Like claws tore him apart!

The cold wind hit him and his body started to shake not only by his emotions. But that didn’t last ´cause suddenly he could feel the rays of the sun starting to climb its way up over the trees.

 _“Stiles”_ The softly hoarse voice got him to stiffen, to lean down until his face almost touched his thigh.

He wasn’t there…

He held his hands harder against his ears, grabbing his hair harder so it felt like he was going to tear it off. 

No, no, no!

He wasn´t crazy! The Nogitsune was gone!

_“Stiles”_

The voice was making the ringing go away but now he wanted it. He didn’t want to hear this… it was too much. Not again.

“Please, I can´t take it” he whispered with his eyes closed hard “It´s just a dream again” tears started to pour down his cheeks.

_“Stiles, I´m here. Look at me”_

He shook his head fast whispering “No, no you´re not. I´m just dreaming”

“Derek?” Scott's voice pierced through everything, made him wince 

Quickly he looked up through the tears and saw his best friend stand by him just a feet away, staring at something with wide eyes and mouth open in shock.

He turned his head towards what he was staring at and felt his own body react to the sight.

With all the wounds and holes, all the blood and dirt, with eyes that looked so tired like he´s going to drop down anytime now… he still looked angelic.

Like an angelic ghost.

And before he even had time to hesitate, the wind blew and brought the scent. The scent that made all the pain within him to be carried away by the wind. Made him whole again

It was Derek.

[](http://s1368.photobucket.com/user/jen_sve89/media/92_zpsevdtghpu.jpg.html)


	10. #10 Suffocaiting dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh holy crap u guys! Im sosososososoososo sorry!  
> Im not done with this, its just that I have alot in my life and other books to write, in Swedish, but no more excuses!
> 
> Here u go!

#10

A loud bang with a crashing sound that came afterwards. That was all it took.

Pain isn’t an enough word of what he felt. He felt like dying all the time, his wolf tried to heal him making the bones break over and over again. Giving him a feeling of drowning in his own blood, suffocating on the smoke from the fire that had started somewhere.

It reminded him of one time, when the smoke filled his lungs from shouting in fear, in dread. When the smell of blood and flesh that came from those who screamed got him to cry for the first time in a while.

The one time he let himself to be used, to let go of the control. That just for a moment forget the bad memories of her, Paige. Not to hear her beautiful voice sing to her music, hear it turn into painful screams… not to feel the softness of her skin turn into blood on his hands… not to only smell the blood.

One time and he was hooked, manipulated, thought that she was everything he needed. Because, what older woman would take advantage of a young boy, to trick him… If he just knew then what he know now… 

Pain shot through him, making it feel like he was breaking in two.

Give up, please give up, was the only thing he could think of every time his heart slowed down…

He just wanted the wolf to stop. The sound of his bones breaking, his ragged breaths that every time he tried to breathe his broken ribs poked at his lungs, shooting a crucial pain through his whole body. His heart that gave up just to be healed so he could continue to suffer through this.

It wasn’t just that, the pressure from the rocks that before was the warehouse was crushing him. Or maybe not crushing, something held it up just enough that it wasn’t completely laying on him.

The strong scent of his own blood and pain filled his nose… and death. He was going to die, that he knew. Slowly his wolf was going to give up, letting him go, leave this world.

He wasn’t afraid… to die. The only thing he was afraid of was what he was going to leave behind… or, who.

 

Time passed slowly, he doesn´t know how long he laid there, but it was tearing on him. All he wanted was to get away from it, everything to stop. 

With all this time between him passing out, not one time he allowed himself to think of him. It would only give him panic and anxiety to never see him again.

He didn’t allow himself to think about his brown eyes. Brown eyes that every time he looked at him gave some sort of feeling that everything wasn’t so bad after all. That life was total fucking shit, but, just by that look he could managed it. He could get through it all if he just had those eyes with him.

And that goofy smile, that got him to want to smile and shake his head fondly because that smile was one of his favorites. That one Stiles got when he told them something he thought sounded smart…  
And the laugh, oh crap, his laugh… he could hear it loud and clear from all the memories he had from when Stiles told something funny that only got Scott to laugh with him…

With blood running from his mouth he felt himself smile.

After the Nogitsune it was like everything changed. Their banter and their ‘we´re hating each other but really not we just pretending it´s like that and instead saving each others asses’- shit… that’s Stiles word not his...

After that their… _friendship_ changed. He felt a stronger bond to the teenager and every time the pack spent time together he could feel his eyes on him, making him warmer.

Sometimes they would lock eyes and just continue to look until someone spoke to them, breaking the spell. Even when he was with Braeden and Stiles with Malia they had that bond. 

It didn’t felt strange, not at all…just, right. He didn’t know why it was there but he didn’t questioned it, because, it definitely felt good to have that connection to someone. 

The pack also changed, gave him a strong place with them. They still teased like always, not knowing that Derek wasn’t in a place to get teased and mocking, that he would take it to heart.

When they told him he was dumb because he gave them an option they didn’t like, mocking him for his bad past. Reminding him how bad Alpha he was… and he know, he was, just… he really did the best he could, did what he thought at that time was for the best. 

But he also knew they were right, with everything… and he did deserve it.

But besides that they all showed him that he had a place with them. And it scared him…

Not scared that they gave him that, he was just… scared. Scared to lose it, watch them die. To be the reason they died, again…

That’s why they´re better off without him.

Suddenly he felt it. His wolf giving up.

His heartbeat had slowed down, making it even harder to breathe. A cracking sound in his chest before an indescribable pain that spread inside of him told him the time has finally come.

“Derek” 

Stiles voice was like a beautiful melody in his ears, just perfect. And with him saying his name he could feel his lungs fill with dusty air before he breathed out his last breath.

 

 

_“We have all treated him like crap”_

_“He lost his whole family ´cause of a psychotic bitch. Lost his sister ´cause of a psychotic murderer. We accused him to murder his own sister, his sister”_

_“We have all said so much crap to him. Blamed him on so much things. Giving him crap when all he did was doing the best he could”_

_“We didn’t deserve him. If we just been there for him… understanding what he had been through, that there was a reason he was like that…”_

He felt like crying by the words Stiles small voice echoed. It was a long time ago since he cried, not since… Boyd. The memory of Stiles comforting hand on his shoulder got him to panic, he was never going to feel his touch again.

_“I just wish this was a bad dream. That I´m going to wake up on his coach by the sound of his voice mumbling out something like, ‘Why are you still here’”_

Scott. This dream made him angry, he couldn’t be there with them. Scott sounded sad and there was nothing he could do to make it stop. Even if it just was an illusion from his hearts last struggle, it was painful to hear…

_“We maybe was a weird pack, but you gave me a chance to a better life. You saved me Derek”_

Isaacs voice cracked and he could hear him sobbing, and something twisted in his heart, it was hard to remember that it was just a dream. That this was just like the time when he got Peters fist through his chest and everything went black. When he saw his family.

_“I’m so sorry for everything, I just wish you could be here. We all need you so much Derek”_

Lydias voice was so small he barely could hear it. He could see the smile she had given him at that day when they asked to borrow his loft. It felt so long ago, but it wasn’t even a week!

The smart and beautiful red-head that had a mask like him, but hers was to be strong, not show weakness. She was nothing like that, weak, she was strong like his own mother had been and he could only admire her.

_“I-I´m sorr-sorry, pl-please pl-ease wake up”_

That was their youngest pack member, Liams voice was filled with such an extreme sadness. He felt the big brother inside of him rise, he wanted to protect them from their feelings...

The time before it was his family… this time it was his other one, the only difference is that this time he didn’t see them… just heard them, which made him sad.

One last time he would have wanted to see them.

Now he realized how much they all had begun to mean to him. Now when he was on the end of death he realized, he was dying and couldn’t tell them!

_“Thank you for everything, you was there every time when we had no idea what to do. I don’t know what we´re going to do when you´re gone, you was our safety. With you we all felt safe, and now you´re gone”_

Kira, that was Kiras small voice that trembled and he was glad that Scott was going to have her. She was good to him, only filled with goodness and had a warmth in her soul, just what Scoot needed after Allison.

_“My son loves you so much Derek, I have never seen him like this. If there was something I could do bring you back, whatever it is, I would do it”_

Melissas voice calmed him like it always did, it reminded him of his mothers. Soft but firm and he wanted to smile but he heard a familiar sighed and he knew who it was now.

_“Oh son… you saved Chris. You saved the brother of a hunter who killed your family, kidnapped you and putted you through hell. You have grown up to be the man I thought you would be when I knew you as a child. I’m so glad I got to see that, your mother would have been so proud of you”_

His heart ached at the Sheriffs words, and he sounded proud in a way like a father would be.

_“I never got to say to you, but, if you needed it I would be there for you. Whatever it was, I would be there. I just wished I was here before everything happened”_

The Sheriff stopped and he could hear a shaking breath before it disappeared leaving Derek with an empty hole in his chest. He didn’t want him to feel like that, to blame himself!

_“I’m so sorry, please just come back. Come back to us. I need you… I love you man”_

Scotts voice sounded worse this time, broken… this wasn’t fair. This couldn’t be what he heard before his wolf gave up!

Everything they have said, he was in so much pain. Not only from his wounds but from the feeling that he couldn’t say something. Tell them that it´s okay.

No… no, no, no… the only one left of them was…

_“I want to tell you… that, that you and your scent calms me too. Making me feel like I´m not broken anymore, like you take away everything bad inside of me and instead makes me feel safe, protected.”_

He was so close it was like he could feel the warmth from him. The sadness and how his voice broke with some words made Dereks heart ache so hard even if it wasn’t beating. For a second he just wanted everything to stop but then he heard his voice again, and he never ever wanted it to end.

 

_“I don’t know why I not noticed it before, maybe like you wrote to me. So much have happened that I didn’t realized how much you means to me. I just want you to know that and, and, and… and, I love who you are behind your mask that you think no one sees through. I love that person you tries to deny that you are thinking that you don’t deserve to be that man. Why didn’t I realized, why did I continued deny everything behind my own mask. Why didn’t I have the courage to be true to myself?”_

_“I just wish I realized it before everything happened, so I got to tell you, to stop you from going… if I just did something”_

_“You are just so, so wonderful…even when you are grumpy. And, just being near you makes me feel like the safest person in the world. Loosing you… loosing you is the hardest thing I been through since my mom died”_

He listened to everything Stiles said, heard his sob between words, how his voice broke all the time, everything making his eyes sting. And he hated everything that he couldn’t do. He hated those hunters who destroyed everything!

If he just was faster, if he only had hurried. He could have been with him now…

Saying sorry every day because he was going to leave him and not come back. Say sorry every day for the rest of their life!

He felt his wolf give up but this time he held on, wanted to hear Stiles voice one more time.

Then it came.

_“I need you”_

And everything went quiet.

 

Suddenly he was running. Trees was flowing by him when he passed them, he flew over fallen trees, jumping over stones. His body felt perfect! 

So fucking perfect!

He had no wounds at all, he was healed. All of him was healed!

The sun began to shine through the trees and he saw a clearing and changed his direction running to it. Why he didn’t know, only that he felt like it.

Then his hand squeezed something in it, quickly he looked down and saw the blue hoodie. But not just any hoodie, it was Stiles!

“Stiles” his voice sounded so soft that it felt strange, but he ignored it and got to the clearing looking at the road on the other side of the meadow.

And there it was, the Sheriffs police car. 

He felt a warmth in his chest and was just going to yell when it suddenly stopped and the beautiful guy jumped out from it and started to run towards him.

“Derek!” Stiles screamed and Derek fell down on his knees, relieved to hear his voice.

“Please be real, please be real…“ he heard Stiles whisper to himself and he wanted to laugh, to say ‘Of course Im real’ but he couldn’t. He just followed the ungraceful movements of the teenager with a small fond smile on his lips.

But then Stiles just stopped with a quite breathless “No…” and fell down on his knees and cried so hard that panic filled him.

Quickly he stood and just a second later he held him in his arms and whispered “Stiles, you didn’t imagine” and he could feel him first go stiff in his arms before calming down.

Those big whiskey brown eyes met his and it was like he couldn’t breathe again. They took his breath away but also made him alive again, got his heart to beat…

It felt too good to be true… and when the crucial pain shot through him again he knew… it was.


	11. # Beginning of the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> U need to know that your comments? I LOVE THEM! They really gets me to want to write! So please keep them coming! ^^,

# 11

Pain…

 

_Whiskey brown eyes that shines like honey in the sun…_

 

Crushed bones…

 

_Laughter that can cure sorrow…_

 

Bleeding…

 

_A smile that can warm up the coldest soul…_

 

Give up…

 

_A voice that gives hope…_

 

Death…

 

_Stiles…_

 

His last breath returned to his body and he jolted awake, gasping for air. 

The sky was the first thing he saw while he forced down air in his shattered lungs. Slowly it got easier to breathe, the body started to mold together on the inside. Smoke, blood, pain, sorrow, tears, guilt, every scent filled his nose, everything that gave him unease.

But then, he took a deep breath. There was a strong fresh scent from someone and it got his broken heart to stop bleeding through holes that now where nowhere to be seen.

Stiles voice still echoed in his head but the words wasn’t clear, but even so it calmed him. It gave him an urge to see his face, hear his voice. Quickly he leaned up his head and looked down to see how his body conditions was, but regretted it as soon as he saw it. 

Wounds that bled and covered his skin with the color of red, the blood loss was extreme and it was a miracle that his wolf still could heal him…

He stilled reaching down to put pressure on a large tear on his stomach, because, why could his wolf heal him? He know, he know that they gave up.

He remembered the pain. The second after he heard Stiles voice he remembered the crushing pain that got his wolf to give up trying to heal him…

_“I need you”_

His heart stuttered when he remembered his last words. Words that then got him to remember the dream about the forest, the clearing, the image of Sheriffs police car when it stopped… 

He remembered Stiles shouting his name when he ran towards him…

Ignoring the pain he stood up, swaying a little while his vision got blurry. He breathed deep breaths trying to take the control over everything, control that he lost but now wanted back.

He didn’t recognized where he was, slowly he started to walk but the movement got something to fall of him and he looked down at the ground. His heart started to beat faster when he recognized the hoodie, the reason he felt his strong scent. A blue hoodie that was the last thing he saw him wear.

It felt soft in his stiff hands that got it bloody, but he didn’t care. He pressed his nose against it and just breathed, the scent hit him hard and something in him clicked. His wolf took over, made him walk, and all he could do is follow, but he did it willingly because he knew where it going to lead him… or, to who.

Smoke covered the air from the wreck but he pierced through it, still wearing the jeans and boots from the meeting, his shirt was long gone and he couldn’t remember why…

His memory was a little fuzzy but he knew it was white, and, and… and there was something about tearing it apart or… wrapping it around something…

He got frustrated trying to remember, hating the feeling of missing out on important information. 

“Hey man, are you alright?” he turned his head to look at the fireman that was working on cooling down the rocks so it wouldn’t lit up again. 

But he turned away, ignoring him and kept on walking with blood oozing down his arm from the bullet wound. The awful tear on his stomach haven’t stopped bleeding either and he knew there have to be more wounds but didn’t know for sure, his whole body hurts too much. 

He shook his head but stopped when he got dizzy. He couldn’t focus on that right now, he needed to be somewhere else.

“Hey man, stop!” he heard the fireman but kept on walking, or it was more like limping in a slow pace.

So he wasn’t surprised when he felt a hand on his arm preventing him from getting any further.

“Hey, _oh shit_ , what happened to you?!” the loud shock in the fireman´s voice when he turned Derek around and saw his wounds brought everyone’s attention. Soon there were more firemen surrounding him, talking, touching and trying to stop the bleedings.

This wasn’t what he wanted and he felt the anger build up inside of him, but he couldn’t show it. So he closed his eyes and tried to sound normal.

“Let me _go_ …” his voice was weak and hoarse but they heard him and stopped with what they were doing.

He opened his eyes and the first fireman that saw him stared at him like he was crazy, but they didn’t know that right now he felt like the craziest fuck there ever been!

He just had to get away from here, he has a place that he needed to be at! 

“Medics is on their way, just let us help you” this time it was a soft voice and he did calm down at that one, but, they didn’t understand… they needed to let him go!

He looked down at his feet, sighed and shook his head “Just… let me go…” he whispered loud enough for them to hear, and when they didn’t let go he snatched his arms away from their grip.

The movement got him to hiss, but even with the throbbing pain he calmly met the firemen´s gaze who looked as shocked as they ever can be.

His wolf did its best to heal, but, there were too much of a damage that it took time, time he didn’t have and he knew they wasn’t going to let him go. So he ignored the bleeding wounds and quickly ran away from them into the woods.

Everything got blurry but he willed the wolf to stay strong, to keep on fighting. They had to get there. Now. 

He could hear them calling after him, of course he didn’t listened but then he heard it.

 _“Derek!”_ and it sounded exactly like the pack, not Scott, not Stiles… the pack. 

Like everyone else in the pack was screaming his name, and it did something to him. He slowed down looking over his shoulder trying to see them, his instincts telling him to go to them. 

But when he remembered where he was going his wolf growled and ran faster. Away from them…

 

When he saw the clearing he didn’t know if it was real and he hesitated. He stood completely still and just stared at the trees, which was the last obstacle in the way of him and what he dreamt.

The sun felt warm against his back and he could feel like it was pushing him forward, like he was drawn to something and slowly he started to move, listening.

He moved faster, there was something that tore his heart apart. It was the sound of a broken cry, like he was dying!

Then he saw him… and… and he felt alive. Like after waking up he just was a shattered shell walking around, but, now he saw the reason. Now he knew why his wolf dreamt about him.

His wolf showed him a reason to live, to keep on breathing.

 

_Stiles…_

 

When Stiles winced he knew he had said it out loud, and then he really saw the younger man. How he held his hair in a deathly grip, bowed down so his head almost touched the ground. 

How he swayed while whispering “I´m not crazy! The Nogitsune is gone!” over and over again. It got his throat to thicken and he tried to swallow, ignore how emotional this made him. How he wanted to take him in his arms, make him safe. 

 

Instead he just repeated “Stiles” and took a small step closer with shaking hands that just wanted to touch. 

 

It got Stiles to stop swaying, but then he whispered “Please, I can´t take it. It´s just a dream again” and all the pain in his body stopped, it wasn’t important anymore. 

This Stiles wasn’t what he longed to see and he wanted it to change. It didn’t matter what has to be done, he would do it.

 

He swallowed again, not trusting his voice but he needed to say something “Stiles, I´m here. Look at me”

But Stiles shook his head fast, whispering “No, no you´re not. I´m just dreaming” and then he didn’t know what to do. Should he touch him?

 

“Derek?” he tore his gaze away and saw a shocked Scott that looked back at him with eyes filled with tears.

His Alpha looked at him in wonderment and happiness and he felt relief flood him. Scott was alright, he was okay. He was alive… safe.

Suddenly there where arms around his waist and the strong smell of Scott filled his nose. Arms held him like he was afraid about something, and then he felt a nose in the crook of his neck where Scott breathed in his scent. 

Slowly he laid his arms around the young Alpha, and comforted with soft sounds when he heard small sobs and felt Scotts tears running down his neck. 

“It´s okay” he whispered and held him closer to his aching body, he leaned down and closed his eyes while breathing in Scotts scent “It´s okay Scott, I´m here” but that only got him to cry harder, so he just held him, hoped it made him feel safe.

He opened his eyes to see Stiles now standing close to them with eyes so wide they almost fell out. His throat suddenly felt dry and he was unsure what to do…

Those brown eyes stared at him like he was a ghost, and how do to prove to someone who doesn’t believe you´re real, that you really are?

There were a small twitch in Stiles hands and just by that he knew what to do. To someone else that wouldn’t be something important, they wouldn’t even notice Stiles do that… but Derek knew what that meant, and released one arm from Scott and held it open for Stiles.

He was right, Stiles reddened eyes looked directly into his, seconds after he had another pair of arms around his waist and one more nose in the crook of his neck.

When the best friends noticed one another they changed and held one arm around him and the other around each other, and then held themselves close to him while quietly crying.

Once again he was flooded with relief, making his body relax. It was so surreal, everything that happened. In a week, or, not even a week yet, it was like he saw things in a different light. Like he finally woken up from a deep sleep.

The guilt was still there, but it didn’t feel as heavy as before. Like he was going to get by it, not forget, but… learn to live again, for real.

He leaned back and fondly looked down at the two tousled heads that desperately seeks for his scent, and he knew. He knew and it warmed his heart. 

Everything with his change, it was all because of those two.

Who knew… who knew that those two annoying shits he first met in the woods, that they would be the reason for him to start to see again. To start to feel again.

The vision got blurry and he couldn’t hold back the painful groan any longer. His knees buckled under him and he fell down, Scott and Stiles held him up so he didn´t fell on his face.

“Derek?”

“Scott what´s happening? What´s wrong with him?” He felt Stiles worrying hands on him and wanted to reassure him that he was alright… but couldn’t.

“I-I don’t kno-“ he knew by the way Scott stiffened that he could smell everything from him now, now when he no longer was able to hold back his feelings. 

Feelings that before was hidden behind his wall, away from them. Old feelings, new feelings, every one of them strong like a punch to the face.

Guilt, pain, sorrow, anxiety… hate, anger…

The wall he built up ever since he was 16, a strong wall that now at age 23 was crumbling down like nothing, only leaving dust… and he felt worry, unsecure… naked…

With harsh breath he leaned forward with his arms around his stomach, but really he didn’t know what to do, where to hold, because everything hurts.

He wanted to beg for help but couldn’t open his mouth, couldn’t get it to work. Then suddenly he couldn’t breathe through the pain, he panicked and searched for Stiles eyes. If he just saw them it would be alright.

There they are, he thought and relaxed enough that he could force some air down his lungs. But relaxing means more aware of wounds and he let out a loud groan before falling all way down to the ground.

Long fingers cradled his face, holding it up, and he forced his eyes that he didn’t know he closed, to open.

The brown eyes were filled with tears and he wanted to wipe away the ones who had escaped.

“Stay with me Sourwolf, okay?” Stiles voice was shaking but also strong and Derek stared right into his eyes. But it slowly went black. 

His body was shaken and there where those brown eyes again, looking down at him. Slowly they disappeared, but he felt his face shaking and his eyes opened again to a beautiful face.

“Sourwolf stay with me, you hear me! Stay with me!” Stiles cried with his hands cradling Dereks face while other hands started to touch his body and muffled voices was talking in a hurry around them. But the only thing he could focus on was Stiles.

He was so tired, drained on energy because of the pain and blood loss from all the wounds, and he just wanted to sleep. Letting his wolf rest a little. 

Stiles face hovered so close to his that he could see the golden honey in his eyes. He had never noticed that before, how they shimmered in gold like this. It was beautiful.

His eyelids feels heavy and it took an effort to hold them open just so he could see those eyes of an angel.

“Stay with me Derek” he could hear Stiles whisper feeling his thumbs slowly stroking over his rough cheek. It felt calming, like... _family_ , and his body didn’t hurt that much anymore. 

With blood running from his mouth, he smiled with heavy eyelids and whispered “ _Always_ …” hearing Stiles sobbing hard when he no longer could hold then open. 

Then it went quiet.


	12. #12 Aching Wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, right now Im soooo stupid tired u wouldnt even know!  
> But here is one update delivered to u guys!
> 
> And as I said last time, LOVE UR COMMENTS! ^^, :D

#12

 

He stared at Deatons hands while chewing on his thumb. It was impossible to stay still, it didn’t matter what he did, he just couldn’t stay still!

So much tears later, thinking Derek was gone, then dead but then he wasn’t. It felt like he could breathe again when he knew that Derek was real, not a dream… but then he fell down with that painful sound and Stiles just thought ‘this is it, now he dies’ and cried until there wasn’t any tears left. Leaving him empty, sore.

Then Scott had renewed his hope him by saying that Dereks heart was still beating, but that it was weak. It was weak, but still… it was beating, _alive_. Giving the hope he needed to stay sane. 

The silence in the vets room was suddenly disturbed by him nervously tapping his foot. He could feel all of the wolfies eyes on him but he didn’t care, they couldn’t cause him worse pain than he already felt on the inside.

He flicked his gaze to the pale face belonging to the one and only, that was lying on a cold gurney, and felt a lump in his throat with a growing ache in his chest.

Quickly he cleared his throat and stopped chewing to run a hand through his hair “So, so, so… what´s up doc?” he said and cringed when he heard who he sounded like, and quickly added “I, I mean, I mean that-“

“I know what you mean, Stiles” Deaton said and turned his head to him with that weird smile, that one who shows you nothing, like, you don’t know if it´s going to be good or bad news.

He waved with his hand so he would continue, but of course he didn’t, Deaton just turned back to Derek. 

“Soooooo?” he tried instead, feeling eyes on him but ignored them.

Deaton sighed “I don’t know where to begin“ and then closed his mouth, looking like he was thinking, but before Stiles could get irritated he opened his mouth again “What I can see, or more likely _guess_ , he has internal bleeding. Both in his organs and in his brain…”

Stiles stilled and could feel all the blood leave his face. An arm squeezed around his shoulders and he leaned against Scott side while processing Deatons words.

“So you mean-“ Scott begins but Deaton interrupted him.

“I wasn’t finished, Scott”

“You wasn’t finished?!” Stiles burst out loud but then said quieter with a growing fear “There´s _more_?” and the fear hit with full force when Deaton nodded.

“As I _said_. He has internal bleeding in both his brain and body, the healing would have been successful if it weren’t of the other wounds he has. The large tear on his stomach, likely from a pipe or something from the wreck, is so deep that his intestines barely are held in place” and by that Stiles wanted him to stop, feeling the stomach take a turn, but kept his mouth closed. 

A part of him wanted Deaton to stop, that to know was like getting a knife straight to his heart… but, the other, stronger part wanted to hear what kind of a hell Derek have been through, _are_ going through.

“One weird thing I noticed” Deaton continued and he just wanted to scream, cause what with this fucking shit isn’t weird! 

But once more he shutted it and instead looked at the vet who held Dereks right hand, frowning “this one has an old wound…”

“How do you know that?” Isaac carefully asked, voice hoarse and muffled by one of his scarfs. Deaton gave him a look and nodded towards the hand before explaining.

“You see, here you all notice bumps on and around his knuckles?” and held the hand so they all could see.

Stiles could clearly see several unnatural bumps under the skin, and frowned. What could have happened that gave such a damage?

Once again he looked down at the pale face, wondering, and wished Derek could wake up and tell them what happened. Or just wake up not telling anything, he´s not picky. 

They all nodded and Deaton continued “Something got Dereks skin to break then it healed over it, therefor I know it´s an old wound”

“Because it´s healed and the others isn’t” Lydia said making Deaton nod.

“He has a bullet wound in his shoulder” Deaton goes on and points to a greasy looking wound that makes Stiles want to gag, but of course he doesn’t ´cause his stomach is a lot stronger nowadays ”unfortunately the bullet is poisoned with a unique flower, and it is the main cause that he isn´t healing correctly, but also the poison is giving you an illusion that it´s not poisoned but what it really does is slowly killing you-”

“How” Stiles blurts out waving his hand “how does it kill you” and Deaton gives him a look he doesn’t like.

“It´s very dangerous… only noticed if you take a blood test and without a test you don’t know what´s happening before it´s too late”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t tells me the how-”

“Stiles” Deaton cuts him off and looks straight into his eyes and says slowly “I don’t think that’s something you need to know right now. Let´s focus on Derek and what to do that gets him better” and without leaving an opportunity for him to argue Deaton points to Dereks left leg 

“He broke his leg, it then healed. Unfortunately it healed wrong leaving him with a painful limp. He has several factures on his ribs, skull, shoulder…” Deaton then stopped and looked down at Derek, sighing “He was in great pain, even so, he fought with everything he got”

They all looked at Derek, he then spoke the words the others didn’t dare to “Will, will he make it?” and started to chew on his thumb again, feeling Scotts arm start to shiver around his shoulders.

Deaton sighed again shaking his head “That leaves me with a yes and a no…”

“What, what does that even _mean_?” he burst out waving his arms while starting to pace with his whole body shaking. 

He felt irritated, anxious…wanted to hit something, brake something. 

“I don’t know Stiles” Deaton words got him to stop pacing and just look at the vet, who then put his hands on his waist, shaking his head in defeat “I don’t know if he will make it. If he do, maybe his brain wont. As I said he has-“

“Internal bleeding, poisoned with deadly flower” he cut off looking down at the floor and sighed through his nose, then mumbled “Yeah, yeah I know”.

“I have already done everything I can do right now” Deaton said calmly looking at the pack “Now? All we can do, is wait” but they all just stood there, quietly, and looked at the former Alpha.

He was speechless. It was like his brain has stopped functioning. There were nothing, _nothing_ he could say or think, of even do, that would make this situation feel any better. No funny lines, no sarcastic comment… _nothing_.

Like Deaton said, all they have to do now… is wait.

 

 

 

No one left the room, for more than the bathroom, of course. His dad and Melissa came with food and didn’t leave until everyone of them had eaten. 

This leaves why his dad still stands there with a stern face directed right at him. The burger and curly fries was untouched, but in his defend his hands were too busy holding the one hand of Dereks that right now wasn’t cut open by Deaton. 

His dad gave him one last look when the radio went of searching for the Sheriffs attention, before walking out of the room. Knowing there were no point arguing.

He was too busy to care if his dad got angry at him, Deaton was removing what sort of freaking stuff Derek had under his skin, and Stiles gasped when he leaned up to see what it was that made that clinking sound and saw splinter of glass.

“What the f-“ he started but was cut off by how the blood poured down from the wound. With a very pale face, he sat down again so that he didn’t see Deaton dig for more glass, and swallowed hard.

He looked at Scott who sat on the floor with his head leaned against the wall, looking tired. Kira sat closely beside him with her head leaning on his shoulder and closed eyes.

“How´s it going, dude?” he whispered ´cause he noticed that it wasn’t just Kira who had fallen asleep. 

Scotts eyes met his “Still tired” he slurred with sleep and sighed “Oh man, it really took everything I had… it´s just” Scott shook his head like he couldn’t believe something, looking down at his and Kiras intertwined hands. 

“It´s just, the pain he had… I don’t even think I took half of it and it´s just… sick, you know” Stiles could see how Scotts face changed and whatever he thought of was heartbreaking.

 

Then he met Stiles eyes again “It was so awful Stiles…” he whispered with a voice filled with sorrow and then his eyes where somewhere else, like he remembered “Something changed right after he fell down. It felt like someone was punching my face over and over again with scents and I just couldn’t figure out where they came from” Scott shook his head and then saw Stiles again. 

“And you have to know dude, that Derek never _ever_ showed us any scent. He always were like a blank paper” Scott clenched his jaw, looking away and said with a small voice “And now I know why… because they all belonged to him… all this time together and now I know why he kept it away from us”

Stiles sat completely still, he doesn’t even know if he was breathing. All of him went cold by Scotts words, even with blankets wrapped around him he felt so cold. He squeezed Dereks hand, like he was securing himself that he really was there.

He swallowed hard, listening to the sound of Deaton dropping glass into a bowl and someone snoring.

“Stiles” he winced by Deatons voice and looked at him with blurred vision.

Deaton wiped his hands on a towel and gave him a small smile, nodding to a bucket with water “He needs to be cleaned, would you like to help me with that?”

Stiles nodded as answer, wiped away the tears from the corner of his eyes before standing. Reluctantly he let go of Dereks hand to go and take the sponge and dip it in the bucket.

It was warm, the water, and it smelled faintly of lemon he noticed before slowly walking around and looked down at Derek. 

He was so sickly pale and with those lips that had that shade of white, he thought with an ache in his heart. With those lips it looked like he was dea-.

Quickly he shook his head not wanting to think about that, and started to scrub the grey brownish skin from dust and dirt, leaving a clean path where the sponge has touched. 

He didn’t think of the red color, the one who covered the dust. In his head it didn’t exist. It wasn’t the color the water got when he cleaned the sponge in it, no it wasn’t ´cause it went brown not red, absolutely not red.

The cleaned skin wasn’t tanned like used to be, it shone against the dirt and resembled more Stiles own skin color. It looked weird on him… like it wasn’t supposed to be like that, like it was wrong. 

But it is wrong, he thought angrily. Derek shouldn´t be here, fighting for his life, looking like death and probably smelling like it! He should be happy, living, smiling... with me... 

He avoided the wounds as long as he could, not ready to face them… but now he stood there, staring at the bloody mess. Hating them!

Carefully he started to clean them, ignoring the lump in his throat and the sting in his eyes when the sponge took the color of deep red. 

But then he finally was done and could put the sponge away and clean his own hands. The blood on his hands got him to scrub hard, before returning to his place, sitting by Dereks side… and then he just waited, not ever going to leave until he gets to see those beautiful magic eyes look into his. 

He followed intensely the slow rise of his chest while he had Dereks hand in a strong hold against his face, brushing his lips against his knuckles.

Deaton laid a sheet over Dereks body after finish bandaging his wounds, before leaving them alone. In some weird way, as soon everything went quiet, Stiles found himself falling asleep, still with Dereks hand clasped in his. Willing him to come back.

He fell asleep to the sound of Dereks voice echoing in his head, hoping he kept his promise.

_“Always”_


	13. # 13 Now, what now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry<3

# 13

 

_It wasn’t weird that he just showed up at the loft. Walking in like it was something he did every day, looking in the fridge after something sweet to drink cause he knew Derek always had his favorite._

_Casually laying down on the sofa Derek sat in the corner of, hooking his knees over the back of the sofa slobbering his drink. Doing the usual spill, because he never learned that you can´t drink while laying down, making a slurping sound echoing in the nearly empty loft that got Derek to look up from the book he chose for that day._

_And when he took in the sight of Stiles soda covered face, he would just raise those bushy eyebrows before slowly shaking his head and go back to read. Like it was nothing he wasn’t used to, making it so natural, making Stiles give away a small smile behind the can._

_This day, this very day it was something… of._

_Like usual he opened the fridge, drooling a little, okay a lot, by the sight of refilled sodas. As always his favorites, and Stiles really started to suspect that he was Sourwolfs favorite._

_“Yo Derrio!” he shouted while opening the can, because he hadn’t seen the Alpha sitting in his usual place on the sofa._

_Stiles took a swig, feeling the bubbles sting on his tongue, slowly walking out from the kitchen. The silence got him to freeze and his gaze wandered over the empty space. No Derek._

_“Where the fuck are you, DerBear…” he mumbled to himself and took another swig, not feeling as desperate for the sugary drink as before._

_Then he heard a muffled sound that caught his curiosity, he hurried and put down the can on the coffee table to climb the staircase. He stood right outside Dereks bedroom, looking at the closed door._

_Looking at it cause that´s where the sound came from. He knew but he hesitated…_

_What if Derek didn’t want his company?_

_What if he had Braeden over?_

_That thought got something to twist in his chest, it felt weird. Like nothing he ever felt before, or, no that’s not true. He felt it every now and then, always in the chest. Maybe he has a heart problem?!_

_No, he shook his head, no that can´t be it. Melissa would have seen it when she examined him, a very thoroughly examine there was, like, it was one of those times he will never ever speak of again. It was after the Nogitsu-_

_He stopped before he could think of the whole name._

_“Oh my god, Stiles, just get in here!” he heard through the door, startle him a bit before quickly opening the door, peeking inside._

_It was dark, Derek must have pulled down the curtains… wait, does Derek have curtains?! That’s the weirdest thing he have ever seen! But wait, he can´t see, so, how does he know Derek has curtains?_

_A loud sound got him to focus again and what he saw, which was two blue lights moving around in the room. With just his head poking inside he waited, feeling the pressure build up inside on him until it almost hurt._

_“You know-“ he heard himself start when he couldn’t hold it in anymore, but was cut off when the door opened all the way and a box was slammed against his chest._

_He was forced to fumble with it so he didn’t dropped it. When he had it under control, he peered inside the box to see what it was, but the only thing he could see was some sort of papers._

_It looked boring, but the weirdo he is he felt the need to know and read everything of it… just to know, you know._

_“Come on” Stiles looked up to see Derek´s broad back disappearing downstairs._

_Although Derek ordered him, which he doesn’t like to be, he just shrugged and did as told, slowly following him down._

_He put down the box next to his can on the coffee table, took and slurped down the rest of the soda, wiping his mouth with the sleeve while his eyes never left the wolf. Who this day had decided to wear another set of black, like the emo he was._

_The only thing missing was the piercings…_

_His eyes widened by the thought, cause that would be so hot! Or, wait a minute, what did he just think of?!_

_But, Derek is hot, like, really disgustingly hot, not that Derek is disgusting, no way, he´s the opposite! And he´s also the smartest wolf Stiles ever met, but, he hasn’t met that many wolfs… just, like… okay he´s hot and smart, there, now he said it!_

_It´s not weird to think so, cause, Stiles not stupid, hello, he´s the smartest of the pack… if they didn’t included Lydia. But even so he´s different smart than Lydia._

_And of course! Of course Derek would have smelt the change of Stiles scent, or something, when he thought about Dereks hotness, he had to cause the wolfs body suddenly stiffened._

_Right after Stiles had that thought about his hotness Dereks whole body just, stopped. And now he slowly lifted his gaze from some of the papers he picked up from the box to meet Stiles who still stared wide eyed at him._

_What happened right after is something Stiles never ever thought he get to see, because it´s Derek. Blush, Derek was blushing._

_Oh man, that’s so cute! That folks, that’s a piece of art, that’s the cutest thing Stiles have ever seen!_

_It didn’t feel weird to think like that about another guy, or, yeah of course it did that’s Derek Hale! But beside that Stiles knew that he didn’t care that he was a dude. Dudes or Dudettes, Stiles didn’t care what they were cause he loved every piece of art in front of him._

_But Dereks not just a piece of art to look at, he´s also yummy on the inside…_

_...that... that sounded more dirty than he thought, but, it was a thought… anyway, not that he would decline an offer to taste him…_

_Oh my god! What is he even thinking!_

_Derek´s inside is like art too, there, now he said it!_

_Derek isn’t just a guy with a good look, great hottie look, under that mask he wears he´s smart, and cool. You just have to dig a little to find it, peel away the thick layer of the mask… but when you do, oh man, it´s worth it._

_And, Stiles is, still staring, at him…_

_Quickly he looked down clearing his throat “Yeah man, uhm, what´s with the box?” not looking up, even if he could feel Derek´s gaze on him._

_Seconds later Derek took a deep breath and cleared his throat._

_“Um, I just thought it was time to go through my mom’s papers-“ and that got Stiles to look up._

_“Oh man that´s great!” he cut off and one more time Derek met his eyes, Stiles blew out some air between his lips scratching his head, then mumbled “I mean, yeah, cool man… you, you” he waved his hand at the box “you want some help?”_

_Derek swallowed looking down at the papers in his hands. It looked like he was going to shake his head and Stiles felt his heart sink a little. He wanted Derek to trust him…_

_“Or, if you want to be alone” he said and looked down at his hands where his fingers twisted with each other, then he nodded towards the lofts door “I can come back later, if that’s okay?” and when Derek nodded, looking like he was in deep thoughts, Stiles took a breath and turned around to walk._

_He´s so stupid! Why would Derek want his help with something like that?! It´s his mother´s papers for Christ sake, not the menu to some fast food crap!_

_No it´s Derek´s dead mother´s papers, something really fucking important and he just asked like it was nothing at all!_

_Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

_“Where are you going?” Dereks voice got Stiles to flail when he reached for the door and he missed it completely._

_A loud bang echoed in the loft then pain seared through Stiles forehead when he hit the door with it!_

_“Sweet mother of God!” he wheezed pressing his hand against the pain, not knowing how the wound looked like. All he know it hurt like a bitch! “Jesus Christ that hurts so fucking much!”_

_Warm hands touched his shoulders, straightening him up where he was hunched over in pain. Then one of the warm hands took Stiles hand that was pressed against his forehead and lifted it._

_Something wet and warm trickled down his cheek and he froze._

_Blood, that’s blood…_

_“Breath Stiles, don’t open your eyes” Derek slowly said and Stiles found himself listening to the soft voice. It was like honey on his nerves and he could feel the air filling his lungs again._

_“Is it deep? Am I going to die?” he said in a quick rush while something soft and wet washed away the sticky blood. It still hurt like a bitch, but Derek´s careful hands was like heaven._

_Derek let out a breathy chuckle “No Stiles” he said quietly “you´re not going to die, not in my care” and the sound of the words gave Stiles a gooey feeling in his stomach. In a good way, not a ‘I´m going to throw up’ way…_

_“You sure?” he whispered and let out a shaky breath._

_“I´m sure” Derek answered and he could hear the smile in the wolfs voice and it made Stiles proud, that he did that, that he got Derek to smile._

_He startled when the feeling of warm hands gently cupped his cheeks._

_“I´m, I´m just taking… the pain away” Derek explained whispering but this time his voice sounded weird, slowly Stiles opened his eyes._

 

[](http://rs1368.pbsrc.com/albums/ag163/jen_sve89/Mobile%20Uploads/_20150801_211915_zpsecnofssv.jpg~320x480)  


 

Darkness met his eyes. Cold, hard darkness…

The warm hands was long gone, but he could still feel the memory of them tingling on his skin, he knew that it was just a memory from the past visiting him in a dream. 

He was back.

Panic grabbed him, but when he heard the sound he has listened to since they came here, he could breathe again. He snuggle closer and pressed down his ear to hear it clearer, this time he really wished to be a werewolf, then he never would stop listened to it… 

His throat was so dry that he barely could swallow, he needed water, but he didn’t want to leave him.

The thought of him got his gaze to lift to the pale face, but…

Quickly Stiles lifted his head so he could see better, and, he wasn’t wrong! Derek´s face wasn’t as pale as it was last time he saw it!

“Deaton!” his voice cracked and was barely noticeable, but there was wolfs outside this room and he knew they heard him. The sound of stomping foots running towards the room was also a clear sign that they heard.

Stiles looked down at Derek and cupped his cheek, gently caressing his thumb over the bearded skin.

“You promised me” he whispered hoarsely to the wolf, then he leaned down to press his forehead against Derek´s, nose bumping together and he breathed in the smell of dirt, blood and old sweat. But under it all he could still find the scent he was searching for.

“Stiles, I need to see him if I´m going to examine him” Stiles had not heard the others come in and Deatons voice got him to open his eyes he had closed.

Reluctantly to leave the scent he leaned up, nodding to Deaton and jumped of the hard table, or, more falling off, cause man, he was stiff!

Scott was by his side in a second holding him up so he didn’t fell on his face, and he nodded to his best friend who gave a soft smile back. One Stiles couldn’t return even if he tried to force it…

He fled, he knew he did when he pushed the door open… but the hopeless feeling in his gut was unbearable. Quickly he walked out from the clinic, not knowing where he was going.

The fresh air felt nice, smelled like it just had rained. Earthy and rainy. Like Derek did one time when he came to him after a run in the forest. It had started to pour down on him, like heaven just opened up and let down all the rain, and he had sought shelter at Stiles…

Yeah, that´s a great memory. After he gave him some of his own clothes, which Stiles had a very hard time to explain why he had Derek´s clothes at his place. He couldn’t say that he liked how they smelled, that just would be so creepy… even if it was the truth.

But after that whole explaining of why some trolls had left them at Stiles porch one night, which now when he thinks about it is a really stupid lie… of course Derek didn’t believe him!

But after that they sat down on Stiles bed, and talked. Not much, just basic stuff… you know, just talked. Not like he and Scott does, it was more like… more.

Why didn’t he realize that he liked Derek, before everything, that time it was like… so obvious!

He so stupid, stupid, stupid! 

He buried his hands down in his dirty hair. He really needed to take a shower so he didn’t smell like shit when Derek decided to wake up…

If he wakes up, no, no! He is going to wake up, he has to!

“Hey kiddo?” Stiles turned around to see his dad carefully looking at him.

“Derek?” He said quickly, not letting his dad say anything else and walked towards him “Is it Derek? Is he okay?”

His dad sighed and shook his head but before Stiles cold react he said “He´s fine, Deaton said the medicine seems to be working, but slowly”

“Okay” Stiles breathed out “Okay, that’s good” and turned his back towards his dad while thinking. 

“It´s you, son” that got Stiles attention and he turned back to his dad, shaking his head.

“Me? I´m fine dad” he said but his dad just shook his head, so Stiles nodded “Yes dad, I´m fine” but when his dad still was shaking his head it made him angry “Yeah, dad, I´m fine” he said slowly clenching his hands.

The sheriff took a step towards him and said softly “No, son, you´re not fine. You´re sad, scared… not fine” and Stiles crossed his arms even more angry at his dad, that he didn’t listen.

“He´s someone you care about, and you are afraid of losing him. Like you lost your friends” his dad continued taking slow steps towards his son. He meant Allison but didn’t want to use her name, but Stiles knew and it still hurts.

“It´s okay for you to feel that way, to not be fine” The sheriff then said like he was talking to some scared animal “I´m here for you… all the way kiddo”

“It´s not okay, dad. He´s lying there dying, he might die!” Stiles spit out waving one hand towards the clinic, then crossing his arms even harder, feeling that anger eating him up from the inside “And I´m just there, standing by his side, doing nothing” he mumbled.

“Listen to yourself Stiles” his dad was now standing in front of him, but he didn’t touch him… he was just, standing there, but it still helped. Stiles felt calmer.

“You already does the things you can do for Derek” Stiles furrowed his brows, confused, so his dad sighed looking fond at him “You´re there for him, standing by his side. I know you son, and you would do anything to bring him back. But now, all you really can do, is wait”

Words, it was just words… but, it helped, a little.

Stiles nodded looking down at his hands, then he whispered “I´m just scared of losing him” and it was like he confessed to himself. He wasn’t fine…

“I understand son, you care about him” and something in Stiles snapped and he glared at his dad.

“You don’t understand at all dad, I don’t just care about him!” he shouted, he couldn’t stop the words coming out, and then said even louder, harder “I love him, so you don’t understand dad! Seeing him like this?! It’s fucking ripping my heart out over and over again!”

He was shocked, shocked at what he had just said. He stumbled backwards at the force of the words, staring at his dad. 

“I know, son” his dad then whispered, carefully looking at Stiles “I just didn’t know if you did”

He let himself fall into his dads arms, feeling strong arms hold him in place so he didn’t fall apart completely. He buried his face down his dads neck to feel the homey scent he always had, and for the first time since everything happened with Derek, he felt safe…


	14. #14 Denial Truth of Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Im soooooooo sorry O.O!!!  
> Here´s a chapter to you!  
> But expect typos, sooo many typos! But hopefully you understand ;)
> 
> Sinceriously  
> JeS

#14

Even if his dad told him that he already has done everything he could at this time, it was hard to see it like that. To see that what he did, that it helped Derek.

Stiles wrapped his arms around his knees and leaned his head back, thumping it against the tree. The sun was on its way down, making the air so cold that his breath came out like thin smoke.

He shivered but couldn’t find the strength to go back inside. To see that pale face, and then feel his heart get teared out from his chest. Instead he followed the silhouettes of trees with his gaze, blowing slow breaths through his lips and saw the smoke slowly disappear like nothing.

“Hey man” Stiles turned too se Scott walking towards him.

He nodded with a quiet “Hey” then looked down on his knees, feeling the warmth from his best friend when he sat down beside him.

Their shoulders brushed against each other, before Scott gently putt his arm around Stiles shoulders, squeezing softly.

“Your dad told me where you were” Scott said and Stiles could feel his eyes on him. He just nodded as answer, not knowing what to say, but Scott doesn’t seem to be bothered by that.

They sat in silence, neither of them knowing what to say, but it was fine. Stiles didn’t feel like talking. Scott´s presence was enough for now.

“It´s crazy you know” Scott started and Stiles could see him shaking his head “It feels like years, but, it´s only, like… a week” he sounded hollow, or, more like he couldn’t believe it.

Stiles nodded and quietly said “Yeah, I know” then he sighed and felt the arm around him squeeze tight.

“Deaton said, just now before I came out, that Derek might make it” Scott suddenly said with a hoarse voice. Stiles turned to look at him where Scott met his eyes.

“Might?” he heard himself say and Scott quickly looked away. Stiles felt bad in an instant cause he sounded mad at him. He quickly whispered “Sorry” but Scott shook his head.

“Don’t be” he said and sighed, looking away. Then he whispered “It´s weird, Dereks never said he´s pack… but to me he is, and when I felt that… _bond_ , break” Scott shook his head sounding broken “I felt like I was going feral, I wanted to tear the forest apart to find who killed my Beta”.

Stiles stared at him, he hadn’t thought about that at all. How Scott´s was affected by this, like a werewolf. And that got him to see how selfish he has really been!  
It was like he got further and further away from his real self. This wasn’t him! He wasn’t selfish!

“I´m _so_ sorry, dude” Stiles whispered cause he knew Scott would hear him, and buried his face down his hands.

“What? No man, there´s nothing for you to feel sorry about” Scott sounded upset and the grip around Stiles shoulders stiffened, making him look up at his best friend face that wasn’t that puppy like anymore. More like an angry raccoon…

“Yeah, _dude..._ ” he whispered with his eyes steady on Scotts. His tongue quickly licked over his chapped lips while he studied his best friend. He looked down on his hand, who had started to shake.

“I honestly don’t know why…” Scott began, and Stiles could see the large cloud of smoke from Scotts deep sigh.

“You don’t know what?” Stiles asked when Scott didn’t continued. Something told him that what Scott is going to say, he wasn’t going to like it.

“Why you react like this” Scott whispered and his eyes laid on Stiles again. “Why you react this strongly about it” he said very carefully, but Stiles felt an anger rise inside of him. An anger he forced down again.

“I _care_ about him Scott, is that so weird?” Stiles said slowly, but his voice was not kind. 

Scott heard the tone Stiles had, and took his arm away from Stiles shoulders and put his hands on his knees, while looking down at them. Stiles shook his head and find everything unbelievable, like nothing made sense. Is there something like caring too much?

“I know you´re angry, Stiles” Scott said quietly.

“I´m not… I´m not” Stiles shook his head, and he couldn’t be still anymore. He stood and started to pace in front of Scott, who followed his best friend with his gaze. Stiles stopped, waving his hand “I´m not… _angry_ , Scott” he sounded frustrated, and he was.

Everything was frustrating, like, he wanted to tear of his hair in one go. He was so frustrated at everything. At his dad, that he knew something Stiles couldn’t understand. He was frustrated at himself, that he know what he said, but couldn’t grasp it. His heart said it was true, but his brain couldn’t cope.  
He was frustrated at Scott, that he said things like that. He´s not angry! 

“You sound angry, Stiles” Scotts voice cut Stiles of his thoughts, and Stiles looked at him. By the look of Scotts face, Stiles had said everything out loud. His eyes widened when Scotts gaze changed to something that looked like understanding. 

Stiles panicked, he couldn’t hear Scott say it. He wasn’t ready, and he did the first thing that came to his mind. He turned around, and ran.

__________________________________ THE RAW TRUTH______  
_  
He groaned and pressed a hand against his forehead and the ache he had. It felt like a thumping ache at his forehead and eyes, nothing he had ever felt before. He tried to open his eyes, but the light made his head feel like it was going explode. Quickly he closed them, and groaned again at the unknown pain._

_Then he stiffened when something moved on his stomach. It felt like something trailed over his stomach and up to his chest, where it stopped. It was like long fingers spread wide over his chest, where his heart thumped fast._

_“Does it hurt?” a sleepy hoarse voice said, making Derek want to open his eyes. But the pain only got him to groan again._

_A warmth that he hadn’t noticed, disappeared while the one who laid beside him moved. Instead a hand cupped Dereks cheeks and held him carefully, like he was breakable._

_“Is it your migraine again, babe?” the voice said more awake, and now Derek recognized it. It couldn’t be… “Just you wait, I´m getting your shot and soon it will go away. OK babe?” Derek just nodded, not knowing what else to do._

_The bed dipped while the bedclothes rustled , then he heard barefoot feet walking across the floor until it disappeared. His head made it hard to think about what was going on. The pain was so bad he could feel his nerves shake. All he could think of was to get away from it._

_He didn’t even hear when the voice came back, and startled when hands laid on his shoulders. The voice mumbled a sorry, before Derek felt a sting on his stomach. The sting got him to open his eyes. The pain in in his head made him se double of the figure that sat beside him._

_Derek panicked. Blonde long hair framed the feminine face, while green eyes looked back at him. He wanted to shake his head, and now his head wasn’t the only thing that hurt. An ache began to form in his chest, and quickly he closed his eyes. This couldn’t be it._

_Slowly the pain in his eyes and head disappeared, but he didn’t want to open his eyes again. This have to be a nightmare…_

_“Babe?” but there was the voice again, and Dereks eyes fluttered open. He felt the air fill his lungs again when the whisky brown eyes met his. A hand cupped Dereks cheek “You feel better?” and Derek nodded, still staring at the other man. Because this was a grown up man._

_Derek couldn’t stop the words, he whispered “You´re beautiful” because this man looked like an angel._

_An angel with tousled brown hair, whiskey eyes that looked at Derek with such love that made Derek all warm inside. This man in front of him, was everything he ever wanted. He felt it in his heart, in his soul. Everywhere._

_The man chuckled softly, and the smile made Derek smile “You´re sucha a sap, Derek” but he leaned down to Derek and warm lips met his._

_Derek closed his eyes and searched after the sound he always listened to, but then it hit him. Nothing, he heard nothing. Quickly he drew in a lung full, expecting to sense a scent of home and pack… but nothing. The only thing he could sense was the scent of sleep and their natural scent._

_But then the lips was gone and the bed jumped. Derek opened his eyes to see Stiles hurrying to put on clothes, before open and disappearing through the door to the bedroom.  
Derek stiffened and slowly gazed over the bedroom that was the opposite of the one he had at the loft. This was a room that had warm colors and homey furniture, and Derek had a hard time to understand everything. Nothing was like it used to. _

_He laid his head down on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling._

_First of all… he had a migraine. A werewolf would never have that. Second, he couldn’t hear anything. No heartbeats or sign of life, more than the pipes going on and off.  
Third. Derek drew in a lung full, and got disappointed when he couldn’t scent Stiles. Like he used to do. But, there was something more that was different._

_“Derek! Get your ass up!” Stiles yelled far away from another room “I don’t want scar your parents with them walking in on us, because seeing you like that makes me want to eat you out!” and it would make Derek blush and choke on air, if it wasn’t the other thing Stiles said._

_He felt his body go cold, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. His heart thumped so hard against his chest, that it felt like it was going to break through.  
His parents. Stiles had mentioned his parents, like… like they were alive._

_Quickly he rushed out of bed and towards the sound of Stiles voice. But he stumbled over something and hit his toes, making him cringe and bend down, to hit his forehead on the kitchen bench._

_“What the-“ he mumbled irritated while holding his toes and pressing a hand against the pain in his forehead. A soft chuckle made him look up at Stiles, who smiled at him with a shake of his head._

_“You´re sucha klutz” Stiles mumbled and took Dereks face between his hands. Their eyes locked and all worry and emotions that was tumbling around in Derek, it just stopped._

_“Always hurting yourself with your klutzy feet and hands” Stiles said quietly and leaned forwards and laid his soft lips against the red mark on Dereks forehead._

_The touch got Derek to close his eyes. They stung at the loss for touch and love. He didn’t know how much he longed for this, to feel someone touch him like this._

_“Lucky you, to have me to take care of you” Stiles said and Derek opened his eyes, and felt his mouth twitch._

_“Lucky me” he said quietly and saw Stiles eyes lit up like sunshine. To see Stiles like this, it was like nothing else matters._

_He didn’t care that everything was different, not any more. To see Stiles this happy and carefree, made every loss worth it. To not be a werewolf anymore, it didn’t seem to be that bad. Not when he had this…_

_He took Stiles in his arms and held him tightly. Arms went around his waist and held him closer. Derek closed his eyes and leaned his nose down to Stiles neck, and breathed in deeply. If he focused, then he could sense it. It was Stiles, and the ache he always had, it tied up and in a long time… he felt free._


	15. #15 Letting go of the truth, Embracing the false...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys!  
> Just wanted to say I have loved the comments u guys have given me, and it´s them who give me the kick I need to write! ^^, <3
> 
> Here´s another chapter, hope u like it!
> 
> //JeS

#15

Stiles not proud, not proud at all over how he reacted. He ran like a coward. But it´s hard, when everything comes crashing down and at the same time you can put words to every feeling you had for one person. That’s why he´s now hunched over, after he couldn’t run anymore.

There´s no tears, nothing. He´s just… thinking. Just because you have said the feelings out loud, and confessed them in front of your dad… and yourself. It doesn’t mean everything is alright. Stiles said it, and he feels that it´s the right words. But even so, he don’t know what to do now.

What about Derek? Stiles couldn’t just go in there to him and act like a… boyfriend? Because that´s what he would. Everything he felt towards the guy would show, now when he knows his own feelings. And when Stiles feels like that he can´t stop himself from acting, and that’s not fair to Derek. Stiles would be like every girl Derek had the last years, taking advantage of him. If Stiles went in there to him… Derek didn’t choose that. He didn’t choose Stiles.

Every cell in his body told him to go back. Go back to where he belonged. But he didn’t, he didn’t move. He stayed hunched over, until he fell backwards and on his ass. His pants was in seconds soaked by the cold wet grass, and his shoes was muddy after he slipped before he stopped. 

It´s hard, so, so hard.

“What should I _do_?” he whispered out to nothing.

 

\------THE RAW TRUTH-----

 

_  
The water felt so good when it trickled down on his skin. It was nice to stand in the shower, and the only thing he could hear was the spray of water and nothing else. He felt so calm, like nothing could ruin this._

_Derek took a soap that smelled like Stiles did when he showered before. When he lathered himself, his body felt different. It wasn’t aching like it used to, it felt more… soft… human.  
Which was so confusing, because he know what humans went through. He didn’t know how it felt, but he saw on Stiles and what he went through when he was sick or had hurt himself. A werewolf never got sick, and when you´re hurt it just takes seconds, then it´s gone. _

_A knock on the bathroom door, forced him to turn the warm water of._

_“Yeah?!” he yelled and felt a shiver on his skin. Fascinated he looked on the bumps on his skin, the same ones he had seen on the humans when they got cold. As a werewolf he never got this cold, he always was overheated, and not like this._

_“Babe! Can you hurry up, I need your help” The voice got him to shiver, but not by cold and Derek felt his face turn warm._

_He cleared his voice “Yeah sure, I´ll be there in a minute” and hurried with the shampoo, and turned of the water to get out from the shower._

_He put a towel around his waist and walked towards the bathroom sink, where he stopped and looked at the foggy mirror. He hesitated with a hand over the mirror, but then slowly dragged it through the fog. Hazel eyes met him. The same as always… but, not really. This ones didn´t own the self-hate he was tormented by. This ones looked… alive._

_Then he saw the red mark from before, the one on his forehead. Surprised by it, and that it was still there, he leaned forward to look more closely at it. The red mark had started to bruise, it was like a dark blue shadow behind it. It felt weird, and he poked curiously at it, but when he felt the pain it caused he stopped. He stared at himself, or, the shell of the one he should be now._

_This body wasn’t perfect, like his old one. He understood now what Stiles meant, by him being clumsy. There was scars here and there, in different shapes and colors. Some was white, but some was pink or dark red, but everyone told Derek that this person he was now, that this one has lived._

_Not like himself, with invisible scars of death and evil. This one had scars from adventures and laughs, and from stuff like he did before… clumsiness._

_“This isn’t me” he whispered and saw in the mirror how his brows furrowed, and it didn’t match his eyes anymore. But another knock on the door got him to startle and look at it._

_“Okay Derek, I have warned you, okay? If you don’t get out now I will come in there and whoop your ass… and not in a good way!” Stiles sounded frustrated, but Derek could also hear the smile in his voice, before Stiles stomped away._

_Derek hurried to put on the clothes Stiles left for him, and got out from the bathroom. He walked slowly to the kitchen, where he heard Stiles klinking and klonking with pans and pots._

_When Derek came to the kitchen, Stiles quietly stood with his back turned to Derek. He had started to slice some bread, humming some tune Derek didn’t recognized, but he liked it. Stiles moved with a finesse Derek had never seen in him, and everything was breathtaking. How Stiles moved his fingers to cut another slice of bread. Even the easiest things, Stiles made them beautiful._

_When Stiles started to chop some vegetables Derek waited for him to cut something, like a finger or his nose, or something. But it never happened, it was like Stiles fidgeting and his clumsiness… like it was gone._

_It made Derek sad…_

_“Hey, weirdo” Stiles looked over his shoulder at Derek._

_The smile Stiles then gave him, it made Derek brainless. He couldn’t remember why he was thinking like that before, when he started to doubt that he didn’t belong here._

_“Could you help me with the pasta?” Stiles asked and turned to the vegetables again. Derek stared at the man in front of him, and shook his head in a try to come back from his thoughts about how gorgeous Stiles was._

_“Yeah” he said breathless and cleared his throat, nodding “Yeah of course” and walked to the cabinets his instincts told him to._

_Stiles turned around and placed a kiss on Dereks cheek and whispered “Thanks babe” in his ear._

_Derek shivered at how Stiles breath felt against his skin, and he could feel Stiles smile before he turned his back to Derek again. Derek took a deep breath that he slowly let slip through his lips, and continued with what he was doing and filled a pot with water._

_A ringing sound made Derek jump, but made Stiles do a happy sound before disappearing from the kitchen. Derek just shrugged and turned on the stove._

_He heard voices while he took out the pasta from another cabinet, but the voices it was more like mumbles, and he started to wonder if it was the Sheriff? Or maybe Scott? This made Derek feel a twinge of sorrow. He suddenly missed everyone. He missed how the bond felt to everyone, and the scent of pack that made him calm. He missed how Scott had felt like a little brother… he even missed Scotts puppy eyes and crooked jaw._

_Then Stiles came back with a big smile on his lips, but that didn’t made Derek feel good. Because the other him didn’t have Stiles. But he miss Stiles, his Stiles.  
Sure, he loved to see Stiles this carefree and happy, but he missed the Stiles he knew. The clumsy and weird Stiles, that talked too much… but Derek didn’t mind the talk. Not now… now he missed it. He missed everything he knew about his Stiles._

_“Derek, honey?” he stiffened by the voice sounding as his mother, and he dropped the pasta in the water with a splash._

_He felt the blood drain from his face when he heard the soft rumbling laughter that he hadn’t heard in nearly ten years. Adult voices from those he before only knew as children, but now all grown up… it got him to shake with tears in his eyes, but he forced them back before turning around._

_A knife through his heart. It felt like someone put a knife and turned it around, because they were all here. Not in a nightmare where they were covered by ash or burning to death. They were alive. His mom, cousins and his little brother who only was a year when… Derek stopped in his thought when his eyes locked with eyes in the same color as himself. His dad._

_Every memory Derek had came rushing through him. When his dad taught him to ride a bike, to fix cars. His dad who always listened at Derek problems, and never laughed. He remembered the big fights they always had because, as his mom always said, they were too alike. It stopped at the memory of leather jacket he had left hanging on the chair at the loft, before walking out on everybody…_

_To see his dad… alive, he wanted to hug him and never let go. He never wanted to return to the other life.  
_


	16. #16 Bloody feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Another chapter ^^,
> 
> (I know it´s short, so sorry about that)
> 
> //JeS

#16

”Where´s Stiles?” the Sheriff asked when the door closed behind Scott and Stiles wasn’t with him.

Scott shrugged “He wanted to be alone, but said he would be here in a while” and walked to sit beside Kira in the waiting room. He sat so he had his back towards the Sheriff, so he didn’t see the lie in Scotts eyes.

“Scott?” Scott turned slightly towards the whisper. Isaac sat on the floor and played cards with Liam, but his focus wasn’t on the game. Isaac wanted to know the truth, he had noticed the stutter on Scott´s heart.

“Stiles ran away” Scott whispered so only the werewolfs could hear. No one moved a muscled, they all knew the Sheriff would notice that something was wrong if they did.

“Is he alright?” now it was Liam, who looked at Isaac with sad eyes. Scott nodded, not knowing what to say, and a suffocated silence settled in the waiting room.

“You alright?” Scott turned to Kira, who looked at him with worried eyes. He swallowed thickly, before slowly shaking his head. Kira made a sad sound and drew his head down and held him tight against her chest.

She hushed softly while letting her fingers card through his thick hair. Scott let himself close his eyes, just for a second. He let himself to fall into someone else embrace, that wasn’t his mother. It felt good. It felt safe.

\------THE RAW TRUTH------

“Shouldn’t we go after him?” Isaac startled by Liams voice and looked up from his cards. Eyes almost as blue as his, looked at him for advice. Isaac shook his head.

“Nah, if Scott said he´s alright, then Stiles didn’t go far” he just said and laid down a card to get Liam distracted. Liam continued their game quietly for several minutes, before speaking up.

“It doesn’t feel right” Liam mumbled, making Isaac stiffened and look at the younger Beta. But before he could ask, a beeping got every werewolf to put their hands over their ears. 

Deaton came rushing out from his office and disappeared in to Derek´s room.

“Derek” Isaac whispered and looked at Liam, who looked back at him. All of them rushed after Deaton.

“He has a seizure!” Deaton yelled nodding towards a cabinet “Get me a needle and the bottle next to them!” Scott was the first to react and ran to get what Deaton asked for. The vet didn’t wait to get the needle into Dereks arm. Then he stopped and looked at Dereks heartrate with his brows furrowed.

Deaton is worried, Isaac thought and looked at the former Alphas pale face. Derek looked more dead than alive, and it scared Isaac. 

He now understand why Stiles ran. He couldn’t be here, watching while life slowly left Derek. Because that’s what happening, Derek is dying. By the look on Deatons face, that’s what happening. And Isaac knew that Derek´s heart is beating way too slowly to be alright. 

“What did you give him?” Scott asked while walking with tears in his eyes, towards Derek. He knew, just as Isaac, that Derek wouldn’t make it. 

Deaton didn’t look at Scott when he answered “Adrenaline, to get his heartrate up, and give his body a kick to get a reaction”

“Did it help?” Deaton now looked at Scott, and the silence was an enough answer and the Alpha sadly looked down at the older wolf, who now had a tube in his mouth, giving him air to breathe. Deaton had to intubate before, when Derek showed signs that he didn’t get enough oxygen. 

In a way Isaac is glad that Stiles didn’t see Derek like this. To Stiles Derek was immortal, in a way. Stiles knew Derek could die, that’s why he cares so much. But Isaac thinks Stiles sees Derek like he´s immortal, that Derek won’t ever die. And now when he is slowly letting go, Stiles don’t know how to cope with that.

“Guys, can I-“ Isaac looked up at Scott, and nodded before walking out with the others. He took one last look over his shoulder at Derek, and then let the door close behind him.

 

\------THE RAW TRUTH------

 

Scott drew a chair close to where Derek laid, and sat down. At first he just sat there, looking at the one he wanted to call ‘his brother’. The one whose life slowly left him, and Scott didn’t know what to do. He felt like a wreck and he wanted- no, he needed…

“I need you to wake up” he whispered to the pale face, and looked down to Derek´s hand that laid on his stomach. Gingerly Scott took the cold hand into his, and held it tightly. By the touch it felt like he got a lifeline, something to hold on to and held him grounded. And that gave him tears in his eyes…

…soon he wouldn’t have that.

“Stiles ran away from me” he began, to distract himself from those thoughts. He smiled sadly “It was when I understood why he cared so much for you” he looked up at Dereks face, now he smiled warmly at the memories “You know, Stiles always has been like this, about how much he cares… when we were like 8, Stiles had this dog that he loved over everything else. Even me. It´s funny how he acts now, is just as he acted when Luke got sick.” The smile faltered and Scott felt sad again “I just wish, that Stiles got to see that his feelings is the same as you feel Derek” at that Scott let go of Derek´s hand to take out something from his pocket. A bloody letter.

Slowly Scott unfolded the letter and let his eyes linger on the last sentence “…I need you to look after Stiles. I need to know that after I leave, he still has you.” He read slowly before looking up at Derek. 

Scott knew, that Derek felt something more about his best friend. Derek maybe didn’t realize himself, but just by that sentence, Scott knew. And now he knew that Derek´s feelings… that Stiles feel the same.

His pocket vibrated, and quickly he fumbled to get a hold on his phone. He was relieved to see Stiles name lit up the screen.

“Hey ma-“ Scott went silent by the ragged breaths.

“ _Scott, Scott_ ” Stiles whispered “ _There´s someone after me_ ”


	17. #17 The inner Ghost...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Im on a roll! Another chapter that i hope u like ^^,  
> Love the comments, u guys! :D  
> /JeS

#17

 

It happened when he made the choice. Stiles took one step, before looking up to see something slowly swirled down from nowhere. It looked just like glitter, the way it sparkled when the moon shone on it.

“What the-“ he breathed and followed the glitter, how it changed direction when the wind blew. It looked beautiful. But then suddenly he got dizzy, not much but enough to get a reaction from him.

Quickly Stiles looked around. He should have known that this glittery stuff was something bad. Where they lived, something unusual meant trouble. He was already dialing Scott, when he heard twigs break behind him. 

As quietly as he could he crouched down to hide behind the tree he before was leaning against. He was waiting for the best possibility to run. Whoever was here, absolutely expected him to run as soon as the twig broke. That was his first mistake, he should have run and not wait. The dizziness hit him hard, and now he couldn’t see straight. He felt like puking.

That’s why he barely heard when Scott answered, and he hoped he said something that could help Scott to find him. Stiles second mistake was when he tried to run. When he tried to get to Derek…

… and everything went dark.

 

\------THE RAW TRUTH------

 

_Stiles laughed, joked and behaved like they were all family. That did something to Derek. It felt unbelievable to see them together, Stiles and then Derek´s family. He barely had time to adjust to everything, when suddenly someone hugged him, hard._

_“I have missed you Derek” the voice said, and Derek looked wide-eyed down at the child who only was one year when Derek last saw him. Then he crouched to put his arms around the smaller body._

_“I missed you to, Evlan” he whispered against the black tousled hair, and closed his eyes when they stung of the memory when he held him last time. If Evlan only knew how much Derek missed him, if they all knew..._

_“Derek?” Derek opened his eyes to look up at Stiles, who had his brows furrowed of worry._

_Derek let go of his little brother, who gladly took off to get a warm cookie before everyone else ate them. Stiles held Derek with his gaze while he slowly walked towards to wrap his arms around Derek._

_“You okay?” Stiles whispered when they stood closely, cheek to cheek. Derek nodded, all choked up by the feelings that filled him. Stiles leaned back to look in his eyes “You sure? You don’t look like it” and Derek shrugged with his arms tight around Stiles waist._

_He loved how it felt to have Stiles arms around his shoulders, and gave ha small smile to the younger man “I just missed my family” he mumbled, and really, that’s the truth. He missed them so much, everyday all the time._

_Stiles drew his thumb over Derek´s stubble, and then smiled warmly “I love when you get this touchy-feely with your family” he mumbled and closed the gap between their lips, and then whispered against Derek´s lips “And I love you” before kissing him lovingly._

_Derek reacted without thinking, and putted everything he felt in the kiss. He held Stiles face between his hands, and almost felt tears when he could feel the love from Stiles in the kiss. Everything was too much. He wasn’t used to this, but even so… it felt like coming home. Like Stiles was home…_

_Someone cleared his throat and made Derek jump, putting a gap between him and Stiles. The soft rumbling laugh got Derek to look at his dad, and his inside just exploded when he saw the warm smile on his dads face._

_“It´s like when you were young, and you thought you did something bad” his dad said laughing and clapped a hand on Derek´s shoulder, before putting his arm around him. Derek looked at his dad with wonder, like he always did when he was little._

_“Ohh bad things Derek did as a kid, that´s something I want to hear Patrick” Stiles said with a mischievous grin Derek recognized, and rubbed his hands together, which made Patrick chuckle._

_With the weight from his father’s arm, Derek felt the memories from the other life slowly disappear. They was like a dream he had, or more like a nightmare, and suddenly he felt lighter. It was easier to breathe, and his head felt clearer._

_“Derek, can I talk to you?” Patrick mumbled and looked at his son. Derek swallowed nervously, which made both Stiles and his dad chuckle._

_“I leave you to it” Stiles smiled and kissed Derek on the cheek, before going to the others. Derek followed Stiles with his gaze, while letting himself be led away by his dad._

_Patrick lets go of Dereks shoulders, to shut the door behind them. Derek looked around in the room that sort off looked like a office. It had prints of buildings everywhere and a drawing table with too many pens on it. He wondered who´s room this was, because it looked like it was someone who was good at drawing._

_Derek walked around the table to look closely at the drawing that laid on it. It really wasn’t much, only different beams to a house, like it was in progress. But even so, it looked like it was going to be a beautiful house._

_“How is the house going?” Derek looked up to see his dad nod towards the drawing Derek was looking at “To me it seems hard to draw your own house, I know it´s your work… but you have that one” Patrick nodded towards the door where you could hear Stiles voice, and Derek smiled. Yeah Stiles could be stubborn._

_But then Derek stiffened… this was his room. He looked down at the skeleton of a house, which was going be his house. His and Stiles´s…_

_Derek cleared his throat “Fine, it´s going fine” he nodded, and then met his dads gaze. Patrick looked warmly at his oldest son, before getting serious and taking a step towards Derek._

_“Everything maybe feels fine, now… but what if it isn’t?” Derek furrowed his eyebrows at his dad´s words, and straighten to cross his arms defensively. Patrick held up his hand, like he didn’t mean any harm “Don’t get me wrong-“_

_“I think that’s very hard” Derek cut him off with a hard voice “when it is clear to me what you mean, dad” he spit out and feels his fingers dig into the flesh in his arms._

_Patrick smiles softly at his son “You always was defensive of your friends”_

_“He´s not just a friend” Derek said and looked at his dad, reeking of anger. No one is allowed to talk about Stiles like that, like there is no future with him._

_But his dad didn’t seem concerned by Dereks anger, Patrick just nodded still smiling “I know, son” and then says softly “You love him” and Derek stiffened._

_Derek had never thought about the words who described his feelings. Love Stiles? Did he love Stiles? Was it love he felt?_

_Then he saw those whiskey brown eyes in front of him, like a ghost from his inner self. Whiskey brown eyes that in the sunshine looked like honey. Those brown eyes that in a certain light looked like they had golden flakes in them, making them look magical._

_He saw the face the brown eyes belonged to. The face that was the first thing he wanted to see in the morning, and the last thing he wanted to see before closing his eyes…_

_Derek looked at his dad and shook his head “Then what, why?” Patrick nodded, knowing what his son meant._

_“You love Stiles, we love him too, you should know that. But this…” Patrick waved his arms around the room and got a sad look “…this isn’t it” and Derek felt a lump in his throat._

_“What do you mean?” Derek whispered and followed his dad with his gaze, when Patrick walked toward his son._

_Patrick laid his hands on Dereks shoulders, and everything felt so real. It made Derek close his eyes, hard. Then he slowly opened them, and saw his dad look at him with tears in his eyes. Derek swallowed thickly, and waited._

_“You know, son” Patrick whispered “You know this is just a dream, this isn’t your life” his dad said carefully, his words making Derek tear-eyed. Because yes, he knew. Deep down inside of him, Derek knew. But he can´t leave this._

_“I don’t want to leave” Derek whispered to his dad with a broken voice “I just got you back” and felt a tear slide down his cheek._

_His dad nodded and whispered “I know” and put his hand on the side of Dereks head, and Derek leaned into the touch while tears slowly fell from his eyes. “I know son, but he need you” Derek sniffled and looked confused at his dad._

_“Who?” he said, making his dad look up towards the ceiling. Derek followed his gaze, and at first he didn’t understand… but suddenly he heard a voice. The voice got clearer by every second that went, and Derek furrowed his brows. It sounded like… it sounded like, Scott._

_Derek looked at his dad, who looked back at him with sad tearful eyes._

_“You have to go” Patrick whispered to his son, and carded his fingers through the thick black hair, just like he used to when Derek was little._

_Patrick looked at his grown-up son, and the only thing he could feel… was proud. He was proud over the man his son had become. And it made everything harder, but Patrick have to let him go. Derek didn’t belong here._

_Derek felt torn, to go or to stay. He thought about Stiles, this Stiles and all the love they had. He thought about his family, and to never see them again. He didn’t know what to do._

_“I won´t have you” Derek said quietly, but his dad just smiled and nodded._

_“You´ll always have me, and everyone” Patrick laid his hand over his sons heart, and said softly “In here” and then said strongly “and never ever doubt that, and never doubt that we always love you”_

_“But, but-“ Derek began._

_“You have to go” His dad cut him off, and looked determined into Dereks eyes, before looking up where the voice was heard again. But this time Derek heard Scotts voice, loud and clear._

“We have to find Stiles! They have taken Stiles!”


	18. #18 Ending of the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, the last chapter. Im sorry to keep you waiting... school and crap like that, u know ;)
> 
> The last chapter...or(?)

#18

 

Not a sound. He didn’t make a sound, he knew they were listening. Expecting him to scream and shout. He didn’t want to give them that satisfaction, but he couldn’t hold back the tears. Silent tears that slowly fell down on his cheeks.

The ropes burned against his wrists, that’s why he kept them as still as he could. He had woken up like this, bleeding at the temple and all tied up against a cement pillar. It was quiet, not a sound echoed in the abandoned factory he was held. But he knew they were listening, and he knew there was a reason they had taken him and put him in here, above the factory. 

How he knew it was a factory? He recognized it. He and Scott went here when they were little, even if they wasn’t allowed to. Their parents had forbidden them to, because it was dangerous, and that’s also why he and Scott went here.

He cried even more at the memory, and thought about Scott and how he was going to blame himself for Stiles death. Scott was going to be the next Derek.

Stiles cried even more, because the last time he saw Derek… Derek was dying. The pale face.

But soon it would over. It was only a little time before he would stop existing too. He knew this because he had done everything to get out of this ropes, and the bomb that was ticking in front of him.

For every second that went by he felt more and more empty, not panic, and the tears had stopped to flow. It was like his body had begun to shut down, preparing him to die.

He stiffened.

“No” he breathed and looked up. The emptiness inside of him disappear and replaced it with panic and fear. 

He shook his head sharply, this couldn’t be it. No this couldn’t be happening. With big eyes he listened to the sound of running footsteps, one person. 

“ _No, no, no_ ” he breathed out fast while shaking his head. Tears was welling up again when the shadow appeared, and then he saw who it was. Time stopped around him. He stopped breathing.

 _Derek_. Derek is alive… he didn’t die…

Their eyes met for a second, fear stricken hazel eyes that crashed with tear filled whiskey brown. Then Derek ran towards him, to be stopped by an invisible wall. Derek looked down to see wolfbane surrounding Stiles and… Dereks eyes locked on the digitals, that slowly was counting down.

Derek started to move around the wolfbane, looking for an answer.

“There isn’t a way out” Stiles said quietly when he has founded his voice. He followed Derek with his gaze. But Derek didn’t listen, he continued to raid around the room, throwing things while trying to find something to use. 

“Derek” Stiles tried again, and then he saw how Dereks eyes turned desperate when he didn’t find anything of use, and they was glazing over with tears. 

Then the wolfed stopped with his back against Stiles. Harsh breaths heaved Derek body up and down, and Stiles sniffled. 

“Derek” he whispered with a broken voice, and it startled Derek. But the wolf didn’t turn around, he still had his back towards Stiles and head leaned down. Stiles licked his chapped lips, and absorbed the sight of Derek. That Derek was alive.

“Derek, you can’t save me this tim-“

Derek sharply turned around with angry eyes, pointing at Stiles “Don´t fucking say it” he said through gritted teeth, and then began to pace around the room. 

Stiles looked at the bomb, saw how it was closing down to the 0, and felt panicked. He looked at Derek.

“Please Derek, listen to me” he said hurriedly while following Derek with his gaze “I need to say thi-”

“You don’t need to say anything” Derek cut him off “you can say it when we have gotten out of here”

“Derek!” Stiles roared and that got Derek to stop and look at him. Stiles felt a tear slowly sliding down his cheek “I _need_ you to listen to me” he said hoarsely, and the pleading in Stiles voice got Derek to shake his head and look down on his hands.

“I can´t” Derek said quietly, and then met Stiles gaze “Because when you say it, it makes all of this real” and Stiles didn’t know what to say.

Instead he said the words he had already formed in his head “I need you to run, get out from here” he looked directly at Derek “I need you to be alive” and at that Derek gave him a small sad smile. Slowly Derek walked towards the circle of wolfbane and kneeled beside it.

“As much as you need me to be alive…” Derek began and swallowed thickly, then he whispered with a broken voice “… I need to be with you at the end”, and Stiles felt like someone punched him in the chest. 

He wanted to say something, but Derek continued “If I leave, I won´t be alive… because a life without you...” Derek shook his head and looked up from his hands to meet Stiles tear-filled eyes “You keep me from suffocating, Stiles … with you, I feel safe. And I _can´t_ leave you…”

Stiles wanted to touch him. He wanted to hold Dereks face between his hands, feel the scrape of his stubble against his skin. Stiles wanted to hold him and never let go. He tried to get to him, making the rope dig even more into his skin. 

The smell of blood got Derek to look worried at him, and Stiles could see that the wolf wanted the same thing as him, to touch. Dereks hands twitched, and they never did that. His muscles trembled under the Tshirt of the thought that he couldn’t do anything, and Stiles couldn’t stop the words.

“I love you” he blurted out, and felt the panic rise like he was going to vomit. “I love who you are, Derek, and everything about you. I know it´s too late, but I need you to know… that I love-“ he wanted to say more but suddenly hands held his face between them. In some way Derek was kneeling before him, holding his face between his hands.

“I love you Derek, you have to believe me” Stiles gasped out in tears, while Derek was nodding and hushing. But Stiles couldn’t stop “I know you maybe… but I do, not like Scott… I 

love you because you are Derek, no one else. Please believe me, I need you to… before-”

“I do know, Stiles” Derek said quietly while nodding, making Stiles nod hurriedly with a tear- and sweat stricken face “I know you do, and it´s never too late” Derek smiled and swiped his thumbs over Stiles tears, before leaning forward until their foreheads touched.

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Derek leaned back to look into those eyes that held his love, and he just knew… the _truth_.

“I love you too Stiles” he whispered and saw a smile appear in Stiles face, which made him smile too. 

That face before him, it was the face that was holding his future. Stiles was the stars in the sky that made Derek less afraid of the night. That face was the last thing he saw, before a sharp light cut through the room, making everything white as snow…


	19. #Legends and fairytales...

#Legends and fairytales…

 

The legends tells you about demons and angels. It tells you about heroes and villains, and the preventing of worlds ending. You can read about names, who to you is just that… only names. Legends is stories someone either saw or heard. And maybe there could be some truth in them…

In fairytales they talk about the true love. Where tears heals the deadliest wound, and where a voice brings back the other from death… or that a true loves kiss can wake you up from the deepest sleep… but fairytales? They are made up, something that doesn’t exist.

But, fairytales does exist in the legends. It have to. Because otherwise Derek wouldn’t be alive. 

It was now a while ago… 

With a hand behind his head, Derek leaned against it where he was lying on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. The music was so high it screamed from the speakers, but the only thing he could think about what had happened. How everything almost went wrong and they nearly lost.

Something warm crawled up on him and laid beside him, distracting him. This was something that a while ago, was new to him. He wrapped his free arm around the body and turned his head to scent the hair on the head that laid on his chest. It was everything he needed to calm his wolf.

It wasn’t long ago he felt the empty dark hole inside of him, how it slowly took over him. Leaving nothing left in him. It was so unreal how different everything was now.

“What are you thinking about?” a voice whispered, even if the music was suffocating his words. Because Stiles knew Derek would hear him.

Derek leaned down so he could whisper in Stiles ear “ _You_ ” and drew his nose along Stiles temple, before pressing his lips softly against it.

Stiles snorted “You´re so corny” and that got Derek to smile.

With everything that had happened, it had left Derek feeling open and vulnerable. He could still remember how his dads arms had felt around him. He could remember… everything. It felt like it all had peeled him open, layer by layer, until there was nothing left but him.

The suffocating guilt was gone. He still felt the grief over his family, and he missed them so much it hurts. But the nightmares are gone. If it´s forever… he don’t know. All he know is that the one beside him had a lot to do with him finally sleeping well.

“I want to know something about you” Stiles said when the song ended, and leaned up to look into Dereks eyes.

Derek raised one eyebrow “You know a lot of things about me” but Stiles waved him of, scrunching his nose.

“That´s not what I meant, dude” he said and started to think, and that made Derek a little scared. Because when Stiles looked like that, it meant Derek soon have to do something embarrassing… or something like that.

Soon Stiles rearranged so he hovered over Derek, and smiled down at him “I want to know something about you that no else does”. 

“Something that no one else know?” Derek said with raised questioning eyebrows. 

Stiles nodded “I want to know the raw truth of Derek Hale” he said, and Derek chuckled softly while slowly shaking his head.

“You´re so stupid” he said to Stiles, but Stiles just smiled and leaned down until their noses touched.

“I´m your stupid” he said, but then Stiles stilled and drew his eyebrows together “Or, wait… no! I´m not stupid” but it was too late, Derek was already laughing. 

But seconds later he stopped laughing, and instead leaned up to kiss the tip of Stiles nose, and he adored the grumpy face Stiles had.

“The raw truth?” he said to get Stiles happy again, and it worked. Stiles lit up and looked at him with eager.

Stiles looked so happy and warm… and cuddly, with his tousled hair and sleepy eyes, that Derek couldn’t ignore Stiles wish.

Therefore, Derek thought about something. He seriously thought about anything to tell Stiles. And then it hit him. As soon as he came to think about it, Stiles tumbled down on the floor with a groan when Derek stood up. But Derek was too focused on his task to check on him, and the grumbling sound from Stiles was evidence enough that he was fine.

Derek ran up the stairs and in to his bedroom. Something got his hand to hesitate over the handle to his closet, and he bit his lip. He looked to his right where the big mirror Stiles forced him to buy hanged. 

The face looking back at him… it wasn’t some stranger anymore. No dead, empty eyes looking back at him. These ones had found something to live for again. He had found life.  
There wasn’t a stranger looking back at him anymore. It was him, Derek Hale.

Derek wasn’t perfect, but that’s okay. He still made mistakes, but that´s okay too, because that’s something everyone does. And he was never going to make the same mistake again. 

He grabbed the handle and opened the closet and started to pull his sweaters aside, and there it was. Gingerly he grabbed it and tried it out, and even if he was a little rusty it still felt and sounded okay. This wasn’t really a raw truth about him, and suddenly he got nervous, and started to regret what he was about to do. But one look at himself in the mirror changed it all, and he walked out from his bedroom and down the stairs. Even if it wasn’t something big, Derek wanted Stiles to know.

Stiles looked up from his phone the time Derek sat down in the armchair facing Stiles. His eyes grew wide when he saw what Derek held, and Derek smiled shyly while clearing his throat.

“I, eh, this was the only thing I could think about” he said to Stiles, but Stiles didn’t say anything. He just looked between Derek and what Derek held, swallowed and nodded hurriedly for Derek to continue.

Dereks fingers started to dance over the strings of his guitar. He already knew what song he wanted to play. It wasn’t a difficult song, but it was the lyrics he wanted Stiles to hear. Derek wasn’t good with his own words, he never knew how to put his feelings towards the one who was the one and only for him, how to put everything into words. 

This song´s words was the closest thing to what he felt, and Stiles gasped when Derek with soft voice started to sing them.

_I see the fear in your eyes. I feel the pain in your heart_  
How can something so well put together be so torn apart?  
You are the beauty I want. You are the angel I need  
I find the proof of god in every single word that you speak  
You smell like heaven to me. I love when I smell like you  
Reminds me why I wake up 

_And if I tremble at the sight of you, it's not because I'm cold_  
It's because I'm staring at the boy I want to love me when I'm old  
I swear with all my heart; every word I say to you is true  
And I won't hesitate to give my all for you 

_You are the stars in the skies. You are the sound of the rain_  
You are the strong sense of calm that takes away all the pain  
You are the rush of the wind. I'm just a man on his knees  
Praying to god to grow old with the boy of his dreams  
You've got my heart in your hand. You've got my hand if you want  
So please love me forever 

_And if I tremble at the sight of you, it's not because I'm cold_  
It's because I'm staring at the boy I want to love me when I'm old  
I swear with all my heart; every word I say to you is true  
And I won't hesitate to give my life for you 

_And if I die before I wake, in the night just look above  
With every star that greets your face, I am giving you my love_

_Deep in the still of the night, I hear your voice in the dark_  
It fills the empty spaces taking over my broken heart  
You give me strength to go on. You rescue me from the pain  
I'm crazy for you 'cause your love kept me from going insane  
You stole my heart with one kiss. Embraced my soul with your lips  
And I'm forever grateful 

_And if I tremble at the sight of you, it's not because I'm cold_  
It's because I'm staring at the boy I want to love me when I'm old  
I swear with all my heart; every word I say to you is true  
And I won't hesitate to give my all for you 

Derek´s fingers stopped, and like always he had committed everything in his singing and playing. That’s why he now got nervous, because every word he sang he had put all his emotion in them while looking at Stiles. 

Quickly he looked down at his hands, suddenly feeling like the worst person in the world. What if it was too much? What if Stiles felt like Derek was going to fast?

“That made me so horny dude” Stiles breathed, and _that_ wasn’t what Derek had expected. He looked up at the younger one, and let out a breathy laugh.

“What?” he smiled at Stiles, who looked so chocked with his big brown eyes and slacked-jaw. Stiles slowly shook his head.

“Dude, that was _amazing_!” Stiles breathed, and Derek straighten a little at the praise, but felt the tips of his ears grow warm. He putted the guitar aside and gave Stiles a crooked smile, and shrugged.

A surprised gasp slipped through his lips when Stiles suddenly straddled his lap, and kissed him hungrily. Derek putted his arm around Stiles and held him closer. It seemed like Stiles hadn´t heard the words, and even if Derek felt a little disappointed… it was okay, he would find another way to show Stiles. 

“I love you so much, dude” Stiles breathed against Derek’s lips, and then their gaze met… and Derek’s heart melted. Because on the look on Stiles eyes, he had heard every word Derek sang to him. And he was so glad to be alive to see Stiles like this, looking at him like Derek was his entire world. 

In the end, one legend Derek now knew was real, was that the Alphas love to his pack was strong. Scott saved Derek, saved Stiles. Scotts love towards them got the Alpha to hold up everything to prevent Derek and Stiles from getting crushed to death. The force from the explosion had separated Derek from Scott and Stiles, making Derek more difficult to dig out. But it also got Derek to see what the Alpha felt towards him, when Scott saw that Derek was alive.

Everything that happened, Derek wasn’t the hero. But that was okay, because Derek got the boy from his dream. And even if every fairytale was made up… this was his fairytale, and his happy ending. But this one wasn’t made up, it was as real as anything could be.

The raw truth of Derek Hale, didn’t hurt that much anymore.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it!  
> I couldnt leave it without a happy ending! ^^,
> 
> Thank u for reading this! <3


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